So i was snooping around the net yesterday, like i always do, and i found a site which linked me to a site which linked me to a site. The final outcome was discovering a treasure trove of articles to respond to and write about. It’s not new material, by any means, but it’s still relevant. The part i first focused on was the advice parts of the essays. Due to the fact that i’m trying to be careful while falling head-over-heels for a certain Dom, i’m reading about this stuff a little late, but better late than never. And also, it’ll help me help others, maybe !
One of the biggest warning signs i see in the articles i’m looking at is isolation. Doms use isolation to teach you only Their way. And to be honest, there might be a good guy who would use this technique, i’m not familiar with that though. Every single Dom i’ve spoken to has encouraged reading stuff online. i think this is probably the best way to protect yourself from a harmful Dom– know what He is supposed to be doing and what you are supposed to be doing. Never ever depend on someone else to ensure your safety before you know them well enough. i’ve researched both Doms and subs, so that i know both roles, and know the rules. If my Dom forgets a safe word, you bet i’ll remember. Doms are people too, sometimes the intention isn’t malicious, but BDSM is still dangerous. Be prepared. Preparation was also mentioned : )
Another thing to remember about BDSM, and also life, is to never take one person’s word for it. When you go out to research, and the subject is something that could be debated or you could see two people saying different things, you should probably go see everything that’s being said ! When i was looking into what the role of the submissive was– i did not take the word of just one website, nor did i look exclusively at the submissive websites. you can get information from various websites, books, and there are most certainly meetings for people interested in BDSM in your area (if they meet at a church, it’s probably not the type of BDSM meeting you’re looking for).
If you don’t trust the person you’re considering submitting to, don’t do it !! The main part of a D/s relationship is trust, and if you don’t trust Them, They should be made aware and should slow down. No good Dom would tell you that you’re less of a submissive because you won’t go into a relationship without trust ! If They do, walk away, because They do not know what They are doing, at the least. At the most, They are trying to hurt you.
This leads into patience. The big thing about new subs that everyone warns about is rushing into things. This probably doesn’t always turn out badly, but the articles i look at both say that it usually doesn’t turn out well. you want to take your time getting to know a prospective Dom, and one of the articles states that you should even avoid getting a Dom right away. It suggests not getting too heavily involved with anyone in the lifestyle, in fact. While i do believe that for some that might be a good idea, i think for others it might be ok. Then again, i’m pretty new to the lifestyle : )
If your Master is belittling you, get out. No Dom should want to hurt his sub, for any reason. The Dom sees the sub as His own, and would you want to hurt your possessions ? Yes, i’m aware that sounds a lot like slavery… Sometimes it is : ) and some people are into that. As in any relationship, belittlement is a red flag. If your Dom does this to you, i would recommend leaving : (
One of the articles mentions being overwhelmed by interest, as a female sub. This, i can attest to being true. Over the past couple of weeks, i have met probably 20 Doms looking for subs. Maybe more. And even today, a new one approached me. Usually it’s one every two days. Hopefully someday it slows down. This means that as a new sub, you have to be very mindful of what you want. When i mention the fact that i want a monogamous relationship, it put a few of them comfortably in the friendzone. i love the friendzone. If someone is Dominant before you even know them, friendzone. Real Doms know that you can’t expect a submissive to submit to you when you first meet them. It’s just not done that way. Be very careful whom you give your email, and my advice would be to make a new email if you’re going to give one out at all. Something yahoo-related, so you have a messenger name too. Here’s why: i gave out an old email, one i didn’t think i had connected to anything. Turns out, i had it listed somewhere on facebook… A couple people found my facebook, thank god they were nice enough not to try to add me or anything !! i learned my lesson and now have a yahoo account i’ll hand out if i have to. Much safer. i think i might’ve used it to sign up to beastforums though……
Another good thing to beware of is being scared of your Dom. If you don’t want to speak to Him because you’re afraid He’ll get mad, chances are He’s not the right Dom for you !! D/s needs to be something very dependent on communication. If you cannot communicate, in very extreme cases, you could die. i know i’m new to the lifestyle, and don’t know as much as some, but i know that.
Also, as in every relationship, sometimes you’ll be warned about the person from an outside source. Look into it. Sometimes people have enemies in their groups, it happens. i’m of the opinion that if you go through life with no enemies you’re probably not doing it right. Consider the fact that someone warning you might be one of theirs. Also consider the fact that they could honestly be right. Talk to people who know that Dom and see for yourself.
Another good tip is to talk to other submissives. Make friends, share experiences, and generally get to know them. From what i’ve seen of other submissives, they’re very nice and supportive and helpful– i’m sure you could find a friend to talk to : ) a good place to start is Experience Project or even here, if you’d like to talk to me as for my messenger ! i am also on Experience Project.
you should also try to explore as much as possible. Try something new, allow yourself to be pushed to your limits, play and experience BDSM. If you limit yourself, you’ll never learn anything new that turns you on. Just keep your mind open : )
i’ll link you now to the articles i used in this post– all the info was thought up by them, i just added in a little bit of my own experiences or thoughts.