What we think you should know


i said we here, but i meant the people on fetlife…. i have no part in this post, really, other than finding a thread i’d like to share in a group called The Comfy Chair. i’ll link at the bottom, but unless Y/you have a fet, Y/you can’t see it. So hence, why i’m compiling the ones that are serious or not repeats here : ) i’ll post screennames, too. This is what members of fet think anyone involved in BDSM should know.

-Aine- responded 29 days ago:

Don’t lose your common fucking sense. Damnit. XD

vield responded 29 days ago:

Only you know what works for you, only you can consent to things you wish to try, only you can define and set or define and release your hard limits, only you can place an accurate label on your forehead, and only you can define what that label (or any other kinky term) means to you!

And always, your mileage may vary!

lifelongcaprice responded 29 days ago:

We’re not actually that different from the ‘nillas.

tesseract responded 29 days ago:

We’re everywhere.

AchillesKW responded 29 days ago:

Authority and responsibility are mutually inclusive. Unfortunately most people don’t really believe this. Understand what is being done to you and how it is to be done safely.

Just because someone runs a good party, is chairperson of a private club or is in some other way perceived as a Community leader does not mean they know what they are doing with that whip. They should be held up to as high a standard as you would any potential play partner. Perhaps even higher.

New meat is popular with a certain kind of person in the Community.

Don’t believe your popularity when you show-up at your first events is anything but horny wolves circling an innocent sheep. You have not found a place where you are going to be far more successful finding partners, friends or lovers than you were in vanilla land.

Your short term success is the result of being a new novelty, a fresh notch on their crops and bragging rights that they were your first.

JohnWarren responded 29 days ago:

Remember that others are people not life-support systems for a whip. A BDSM relationship is a relationship first.

Don’t let your needs and desires blind you to things that would be obvious otherwise

Punishment responded 29 days ago:

Just because you can take it doesn’t mean your partner can/wants to.

Talk to your play partner:)

KnightlyDom responded 29 days ago:

Dominance and respect are NOT mutually exclusive; they’re quite the opposite.

cuddlypuma responded 29 days ago:

Hot glass looks exactly the same as cold glass.

(OK, I didn’t learn that one in a BDSM context. But it’s something that everyone should know, and COULD have applicability to BDSM situations.)

20-20Hindsight responded 29 days ago:

  • There’s always more to learn.
  • Treat people as people first, then as kinksters, potential play partners, or in a given role.
  • Just because someone is a dom/sub/whatever, does not mean they areyour dom/sub/whatever. You don’t have to bow to them, nor are they required to do the same to you.
  • A firm handshake and an intelligent well-spoken demeanor will say far more about you than how many toys you have or how much flogging you can take can.
  • If you don’t like the situation at hand, if you see something that upsets or offends you, if you don’t like to watch the way others are playing- Leave. Nobody is holding you there.
  • Style is no substitute for substance.
  • Don’t take anything too seriously, and have a sense of humor about yourself.
  • You will make mistakes, and you will see others do the same. What matters is what you learn from them and how you carry on from then.
  • Despite some appearances to the contrary, safety (both physical andemotional) are taken very seriously.
  • Listen to your gut, your instinct, the little voice in the back of your mind- if someone doesn’t feel right to you or puts you a little off, there’s often good reason for that.
  • If you aren’t sure about someone in the community, ask around about them. One person might have an axe to grind and bad-bouth them, but the opinions of ten people will give you a more accurate picture.

Daggerdom responded 29 days ago:

Sit with your back to the wall, trust no one and avoid the “community” as much as possible.

FIrst_timer responded 29 days ago:

be honest 😉

Carolyn responded 29 days ago:

Don’t confuse your love of the dynamic with love of the individual.

maruben responded 29 days ago:

Sweet words are not equal to sweet experiences and happyness.

HrolfE responded 29 days ago:

Negotiate peer-to-peer, even if what you are negtiating is a slave contract. A dominant who is insulted by this is a dominant looking to exploit you.

Negotiate inclusively. Make your agreement about the only things that are allowed to happen, and be very specific with new partners. Ambiguity breeds misunderstanding and unwanted new piercings.

SSC is a marketing gimmick. What we do has risks, the best you get is informed acceptance of those risks, so safe isn’t and one man’s sane is another’s insane. If you need a pretty acronym, stick to RACK.

Implied consent isn’t, in the eyes of the law. Sometimes, neither is informed consent.

‘s’ siders are not the only ones at risk when playing with new chums- both sides need safe calls, etc.

20-20Hindsight responded 29 days ago:

HrolfE brings up a good point. Doms/tops need to protect themselves too. There are plenty of predatory subs/bottoms out there looking to take advantage of others. It all goes both ways.

DeceivingInnocent responded 28 days ago:

Trust and Respect in all individuals involved is key.

honeywhite08 responded 28 days ago

Funny stuff happens.

lowercase_lee responded 28 days ago:

Be nice

Bad things happen, even if no one involved is bad, give everyone a break and assume good faith

You can learn so much from people on the other end of the paddle/whip/etc.

Be friends with people even if you don’t want to boink them…but, I just like being friends with people, so maybe doesn’t apply to everyone

If it doesn’t feel good…don’t do it. Some disagree with this but I think it’s a good idea when you’re just starting out. Dominants too. You don’t have to be a mean, stern, whatever. Be nice or be silly, but have fun.

Good luck to you.

Annabel_Joseph responded 28 days ago:

make sure you are enjoying whatever it is you do. 🙂

SilkRopes responded 28 days ago:

Be dubious of other’s intentions. Remember, nothing is free.

outRAGEous responded 28 days ago:

Play safe. If your potential partner doesn’t want to, run like HELL!!!

DesFIP responded 28 days ago:

Know what you want, what works for you and what doesn’t. Because if you don’t know that, how do you expect to find someone compatible?

ownedinyk responded 28 days ago:

its what ever you and yor partner agree it is, not what others tell you it is

luminous_lolita responded 27 days ago:

If you’re a sub, don’t stop being your own person- submissiveness does not nor should it ever equal being a pussy (unless that’s really your thing, then go for it). A real Master will get that. 🙂

MasterMalachi responded 27 days ago:

Take in the information you gather here and elsewhere, take in as much as you can, but don’t by any means let it define you in this context.

You are going to be who you are that doesn’t change just because you are chaining someone to your bed or getting your feet tied to your thighs.

You are who you are and if that means that as a Dom you don’t punish your sub for doing something that upsets you but handle it some other way, or as a sub you are an alpha personality who is desperate to bow to your Master but not to the corporate world, that doesn’t make you less of a Dom or a Sub Period.

There are no clearly defined rules of behavior (apart from the obvious) just guidelines.

kaedyn responded 27 days ago:

my BDSM may not be your BDSM, but that doesn’t mean we are not both right.

No, W/we don’t live in leather and carry whips all the time when doing the vacuuming. lol You wouldn’t believe how hard it is to clean the toilet in some of those outfits!

darthmiho responded 27 days ago

From a very good friend. You will screw up. Hopefully you’ll be in a position where you’ve found friends who will understand that you’re learning. A good group of friends in the scene seems to be the best thing one can have.

Echowhispers responded 26 days ago:

Dont mention to doms or guys you have no interest in being with that you and your mother are subs in the lifestyle..the sam questions and fantasies come up including the same disappointments that its just another guy wanting to fuck.

ownedinyk responded 26 days ago:

dont tie them down with out discussing it first!!!!!

MeaCulpa responded 26 days ago:

Don’t allow romanticism to get carried away with you. Many people love to role play their ultimate slave fantasy online, but that doesn’t mean what they are role playing has any standing in real life. Instead of getting caught up in looking for some white knight to fulfill an impossible role, spend time figuring out what it is in real life, in a scene that is limited and filled with real people, that will give you some of what you need. Predators target women who are in love with a fantasy, because it is easy to convince them they can play the role.

Telemachus responded 26 days ago:

If you think good advice is cheap – try talking to a lawyer.

intowhat64 responded 26 days ago:

Don’t rush into anything, sit back and watch some first, try new things at least once and whatever you do, don’t forget to use your communication skills

tiwohunter responded 26 days ago:

It’s better to be seen than heard at first. I find watching others and how they interact in a group tells me more than they ever would, both about themselves and about how others think of them.

Saffron responded 26 days ago:

There’s nothing special about good bdsm relationships that isn’t special about good vanilla relationships. We aren’t risking more or giving more or sharing more. They all take trust and respect and ying and yang and give and take and commitment. Good relatinships happen when both/all parties are giving 100%, not 50/50.

That_Damned_Panda responded 26 days ago:

  • Know who you are, what you want, and what you don’t want. Trust yourself, and if something really doesn’t feel right to you, don’t let anyone talk you into thinking that it is. They’re not you, and you’re the only one who has to live with the consequences of your decisions.
  • The only “true way” that counts is the way that is true to you.
  • Don’t take yourself, or what we do, too seriously. If something doesn’t go the way you planned it, laugh about it and try something different tomorrow.
  • Being submissive and being stupid are two entirely different things. Don’t use the former as an excuse for the latter.
  • The same ethics and morals that you would apply to personal relationships in the vanilla world are equally applicable to relationships in the kinky world.
  • Everybody you meet has their own story, and everybody has had to fight many battles to get to where they are in their lives. You don’t know their whole story, so you have no right to judge how it turned out. If their way is not your way, go your own way and let them go theirs.
  • Read every thread started by Happy Noodlegirl, because she apparently has good ideas for threads.
  • No bondage on Wednesdays. Ever. Very bad. Don’t ask why.

AchillesKW responded 26 days ago:

Don’t expect someone special to notice you if you are behaving like all the other slutty cattle. Respect yourself enough to be picky.

Noldorin_Mercy responded 26 days ago:

BDSM is neither good nor bad, and can be used to harm just as much as it can to heal. Never trust someone simply because they are kinky, and never distrust someone simply because they aren’t. We’re all people.

LayLadyLay responded 21 days ago:

Listen, talk openly, take your time, ask questions if you’re not sure about something, be kind, be generous and be willing to laugh (especially at yourself).

LadyBug5949 responded 21 days ago:

If it isn’t consensual, it isn’t BDSM–it’s abuse.

fosterchild responded 21 days ago:

Get references and check them. This safed me from getting with a liar, and who knows what else it has spared me (at the least – some BS). Often when i have brought this up the other person has just wondered off ….

Nova2001 responded 21 days ago:

“Do it again harder” is not a good safeword.

honeywhite08 responded about 2 hours ago:

Anal sodomy causes flatulence.

So all this stuff is good advice, and i really hope it helps : ) i left the links intact, because that information comes from those people– again, i don’t think Y/you can see anything on fet without a profile. Here’s the link to the thread, second page: http://fetlife.com/groups/41/group_posts/573750?page=2#responses

-s.

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