What a Girl Wants…. What a Girl Needs….


i haven’t been doing much that is productive for the past week. i’m honestly stressed out about paying for college (the state grant keeps not being posted on the school website, and i’m worried that they are going to make me call again and again until it’s too late to get the money) and haven’t been thinking about much. Last night, at 10PM, i went with my mom and my little sister to see Toy Story 3. Getting out was nice, and i feel a lot less stressed (though i have to call them again tomorrow because it’s getting a bit ridiculous), so i figured i’d write while i had something to say.

i was thinking about relationships recently, for some odd reason, and i remembered what a good friend once told me. He liked to compare true love to a candle flame. May not be huge, but steady light. i like to think of Dominance that way. i think i would have a hard time taking a Dominant seriously who is caught up in the mindset ‘I am Dominant, hear Me roar!!!’ This sounds bad to those who met me when i first learned about D/s, because i was the same way about being submissive. i still am, sometimes. At least i recognize it and tone it down now, though. i guess the type of Dominance i would like to see in my Dominant would be the type of Dominance that doesn’t have to be spoken. Whether or not He is tying me down or beating me up, i would like to feel like i am His. i guess for me that sounds like a stability that is slightly more defined in a D/s relationship than in a vanilla one.

Oh, and speaking of something that is a difference between a D/s relationship and a vanilla one: i read this thread on fetlife about someone whose husband is naturally Dominant, but she was asking whether or not to introduce him to fetlife or the lifestyle formally, even though he seemed to lean that way naturally. When i read it i was very confused. If one is getting what they need out of a relationship, why would they change things? i’m lucky because i feel like i need very little from my significant other. i’m very very low maintenance. i could never imagine having kink in the bedroom and thinking ‘gee, i wish he would identify himself as my Dominant…’ If i’m not fulfilled, i would absolutely understand talking to him about BDSM, but if i am getting what i need, then what’s the point?

i have also been thinking about how in a relationship, we have needs and wants. In certain D/s dynamics, it’s the job of the Dom to take care of the sub’s needs and not the Dom’s job to take care of the sub’s wants. i was thinking again about what i need in a relationship and if i considered it to be fair… And of course i do, but i wonder what it is other subs need from their Doms. i guess that’s just out of curiosity, though.

Tonight, i am cooking soup again, but this time adding chicken : ) i really liked it last time, and this time it’s going to be even better!!! i’m super excited. Off to the store now… Wish me luck!! : )

-s.

Trying Something New


Lately i’ve been trying to keep myself busy. This does mean less blogging, but it also means trying new things! : ) So, today, i’m making a meatloaf recipe i came across online as ‘easy’ and ‘healthy.’ Hopefully it’s both, because i’m really not a very good cook. i was trying to make a 3 minute brownie in the microwave and not only did the brownie not have enough cocoa in it, the cup i was ‘cooking’ it in melted. Bummer!! If i get it right, i’ll be super happy, though! : ) i’m hoping it’s like DDR. i simply cannot play DDR on light mode, i have to play it on heavy mode or i suck majorly at it. Video games are not real life, and i know that, but i’m hoping that i’m really great at ‘heavy mode’ cooking, even though i suck at ‘light mode.’

i’m in a very good mood today. i feel like anything i want is at my fingertips and i can do anything. If you’ve felt that before, you probably understand how good it feels. i played around with my makeup today, as well, seeing what my huge makeup box had in it. i still can’t quite identify what certain things are for. i kept going to my mom asking ‘do you know what this is?’ and she’d laugh and tell me. The biggest confusion was between blush and eyeshadow, but there were really thick pencils that i just didn’t know… She said they go around your eyes? i’ll be trying it tomorrow. i don’t know what i’m going to do with the ones that i don’t like or can’t figure out how to use, but i’ll cross that bridge when i come to it. Hey! my sister doesn’t have makeup! Maybe i’ll send it with her to school! : P That is, if she isn’t taking a bus out there… my sister is going to a really good school, which is great, but that means it’s far away from here. Not sure how that’s going to work for her, since i have needed help from my mom from time to time. Laundry next semester is going to be interesting, since i won’t be spending much time at my mom’s house, and i certainly won’t be able to use her washer once she moves far away from my school. This year coming up should be very interesting : P

On a BDSM note: i was looking at a fetlife group called Ponderings (if you’re on fet, join it, it’s a really great group) and there was a topic made by ‘the mayor’ of the group about whether or not friends in the lifestyle are closer to us than vanilla friends. i thought that was a really interesting topic but couldn’t really talk about it since i don’t hang out with lifestylers in real time, but i’m very curious about it. i don’t feel like my friendships would be much different. With me, you pretty much get what you ask for. If someone asks me about something i’m very honest about it. i don’t find myself around people who are closed-minded so it has never been a problem for me. i’m not going to be running into a lifestyle friendship talking about ‘oh, you should see these bruises on my ass!!!’ (ignoring the fact that the Dom that is considering me is far away and can’t leave those bruises on me right now) However, something like ‘i got a cute little flogger!! Look!!’ would probably be said to both vanilla and lifestyle friends. i’m wondering how Y/you feel about it, though, since it’s such an interesting topic. : ) Hoping to get some interesting replies!

In The News

The Etch-a-Sketch turned 50 years old yesterday. : )

And a mother who gave her son up for adoption didn’t get her yearly picture of him so she looked him up on facebook and ended up having sex with him.

A drunk man decides to take a crocodile for a ride and survives.

Tea Partiers decide that Obama is Hitler and put up a billboard with his picture next to Hitler’s and Lenin’s. Well, that’s great and all, but anyone with a brain is going to say ‘what in the world…’ Even i’m confused, and i’m not big on politics, but this is pretty extreme.

And today, 1,300 people in Utah have been fingered as illegal immigrants by a large group of people, who had phone numbers, social security numbers, even the due dates of the pregnant women. While i can understand why citizens would be upset about illegal immigrants, this sort of vigilante behavior is scary to me, especially when the people who sent this letter in to the newspapers have been watching the people on the list in their day to day life.

-s.

Sleepy!!


i’ve been really sleepy lately, you know why? Dehydration. And no matter how much i drink, i just end up feeling sick and it doesn’t go away. Annoying.

This reminded me about a thread i read before on fetlife about ways that submissives give service to their Doms. Things like ‘taking care of your body by eating right and exercising.’ It seemed interesting that those things were included on people’s lists, especially when i often find myself doing something dumb because i wasn’t thinking about myself, usually my focus is on something else. It might be a good idea for me to sit down and write out all the things i could do to give service to my Dom, especially since it’s likely we’ll be far away from one another. i thought that that realization might be useful to anyone reading this, but maybe it isn’t : P

As for anything else i’ve been thinking about: last night i was talking to Sambuddy about someone else i talk to and how they don’t ‘move forward’ in life. i remembered Sambuddy saying once before something about seeing in others what one most dislikes about themselves. So i was thinking about how i’m moving forward. Really, right now, i’m applying to places to work. However, other than that, i pretty much lurk fetlife, facebook, wander the house, and exercise when i remember about it. i’m going to keep thinking about the idea of ‘moving forward’ and make a list of things i want to get done by the end of this summer. i can cross off ‘get a toy reviewer position’ but now i have to add ‘ask the mailman at my school what box is mine again!’ Oh well, it’s not like i won’t be in that area in the near future anyhow, since i’m applying to work at places near there… As far as the connection here to D/s, i see it as part of a relationship… Growing and moving forward together. If one person isn’t doing their part, then the relationship probably won’t go anywhere. Why would anyone be interested in someone who doesn’t change (hopefully for the better)?

i just wanted to share those thoughts with the people who read my blog because i felt that they could be applied to BDSM and D/s relationships easily and if i overlooked them, i bet i’m not the only one who did : )

In the News

Scientists find out what gene in a mouse causes homosexuality. Yes, it’s a genetic difference. Why is this study being done, again? i feel like they’re pulling for a ‘cure’ by reading it. (http://www.aolnews.com/surge-desk/article/sexual-preference-gene-turns-female-mice-off-male-advances/19548112)

Then this retirement investment advisor got hundreds of retired federal agents involved in a ponzi scheme… (http://www.aolnews.com/crime/article/hundreds-of-fbi-dea-and-ice-agents-fall-victim-to-ponzi-scheme/19547371)

And there are mountain unicyclists who just want respect : ( (http://www.aolnews.com/weird-news/article/mountain-unicyclists-ask-wheres-the-respect/19535082)

The same-sex marriage ban was lifted by the supreme court as well!! : ) (http://www.politicsdaily.com/2010/07/08/federal-same-sex-marriage-ban-unconstitutional-judge-rules/)

And this article about a woman who died while masturbating that has a rather rude name, considering she died. (http://www.aolnews.com/weird-news/article/for-nichola-paginton-coming-then-going-one-womans-death-by-pornography/19547942)

More news about the possible HIV vaccine… i’m really excited about it : ) (http://www.aolnews.com/surge-desk/article/hiv-antibodies-experts-foresee-vaccines-treatment-and-a-long-wait/19547957)

-s.

BDSM vs. Vanilla


i posted a topic about this on fetlife, but i felt like while i was thinking about it, it might be a good idea to write down my thoughts on it. Obviously, there’s a stigma around the word ‘vanilla.’ People on fet seem to take that word and use it almost as an insult. my theory is that BDSM isn’t very far from vanilla.

When i first heard about the lifestyle, i was thinking that the relationships would be amazing and perfect and so different from vanilla. While some of the relationships are amazing and perfect, most aren’t. That’s the first similarity i saw to vanilla relationships: we’re still imperfect. Whether you’re a Dom or a sub, you’re imperfect! And thus, both sides are going to have to apologize from time to time. Taking the blame is something i didn’t see as a Dominant thing to do, when i first learned about BDSM. ‘Dominants are always right!’ i would tell myself. It wasn’t too long ago, but i did learn that as in every relationship, there are going to be mistakes, and the fact that a Dominant can humble themselves and say “you’re right and I’m sorry” makes them a good person, which in turn would make them a better Dominant, at least in my eyes!

As i wrote about before, both vanilla and BDSM relationships have to have communication as a foundation. If not, problems arise. Big problems. There’s no difference in the importance of talking to one another. This also ties into trust, which is a major component of both vanilla and BDSM relationships as well.

Tasks to be done, in both vanilla and BDSM relationships, are handled similar ways. For instance, i have a friend whose mom stays at home and does the stuff around the house, as well as taxing the kids to and from things. As far as i know, she’s vanilla. She’s pretty uptight about sexual things and she freaked out when she found birth control pills in her daughter’s room so i’m thinking she’s not kinky. Some subs stay at home and take care of the house, too. As is very common nowadays, some subs also go out and work alongside their vanilla co-workers. Some Doms chip in and help around the house, and so do some vanilla men. So, as far as jobs in the household and out, it would seem that both relationships are the same.

Rules in vanilla relationships seem to be more unspoken, whereas rules in BDSM relationships seem to be more talked about and recognized. This is a small difference i see. Not really big enough for me to be comfortable saying ‘aha!! This is the difference!!’

On both paths, you have women who submit to men, and men who submit to women. The boy i lost my virginity to basically did what i told him to do. It wasn’t me manipulating him, and it wasn’t an agreed upon ‘you take all the power,’ it just was what it was. my guess is that our case is not the only case of a vanilla relationship having a Dominant and a submissive person. my question here is ‘in a BDSM relationship is one more Dominant, or is it just more discussed?’

The biggest difference i thought of was the sex life. Those involved in BDSM have a very wide variety of kinks which, it is largely assumed, would squick a vanilla person. Vanilla is seen to be missionary style or doggy style, not much variety, very boring if it’s the only thing you do. i don’t know if i agree with that, or where the line is drawn from vanilla to BDSM as far as sex lives. It has to be drawn somewhere, right? There are just so many fetishes that there can’t be a line, really, because what’s on this list of fetishes, how is it ordered, and then dealing with the fact that while a very large percentage of women have rape fantasies, i would imagine that consensual non-consent is something that would be extremely kinky. Odd. i think, even in our sex lives, we aren’t too different.

So what do you think is the difference? Just curious about people’s opinions on the subject : )

-s.

Great Minds….


i was looking under the BDSM tag on wordpress and came across this post a few days ago. It didn’t occur to me to share until just now, so apologies on my lateness : ( i’ll post the link, i think this is an excellent post and she says everything in a way that makes it very easy to understand. i do like her blog as well, but this post in particular not only pertains to BDSM, but to the way we think of the lifestyle : )

http://thepaganandthepen.wordpress.com/2010/06/23/think-taboo-will-the-real-lifestyler-please-stand-up/

-s.

Communication


Because i think it’s amazingly important to talk about communication ! Yes, we are talking about communication. This is not my strongest point. i think, in any relationship, communication is important. In a D/s relationship, it seems like it’s really difficult for people to communicate. Out of all of the advice threads in the groups on fetlife, it seems like 7/10 of them can be answered simply by “talk to your S.O.” and these people know that but….

They get caught up in sub/Dom fever

i am willing to bet that a good part of the problem is new subs and Doms not understanding the vanilla part of a D/s relationship because they’re so obsessed with the BDSM part of it. Even in a D/s relationship, you must talk about problems. As an example, even if you’re a sub, you still have the right to say ‘i really need you to be willing to give oral sex.’ you are not less of a sub because you have needs. Every person has needs. That’s right, having needs makes you a person. Any relationship one goes into should meet their needs! Of course, needs are different from person to person. One of my needs is to be able to speak to my partner often. While this doesn’t mean every day all the time, i have a hard time not speaking to my partner for a few days in a row or more, and i found with an ex that after 2 weeks of being ignored, i no longer trusted him when he said he cared for me, and i was hurt pretty badly. i had not communicated that need with him, though. That’s where the communication comes in. A D/s relationship is still a relationship, and thus one has to communicate problems when they arise.

Bringing up problems doesn’t make one any less submissive

Being submissive doesn’t necessarily mean you’re a doormat. Some submissives like being a doormat, but there’s one minor problem with the doormat mentality, and that is that when one is a doormat, they don’t stand up for themselves. If this happens, you are not likely to have all of your needs met. When your needs aren’t met, things go wrong. People get angry and frustrated when their needs aren’t met… There’s a reason they’re needs, and not wants. The way i see it, as a submissive, it’s your job to take care of your Dom’s property: you. So, if you have a need, you should tell your Dom so that they can find a way for that need to be met. A good example is that Sambuddy is very busy lately. He hasn’t been able to talk to me much, but three days went by and i didn’t hear from Him. i knew it wasn’t His fault, but i hadn’t let Him really know about that need before, so i texted Him and asked Him to log on for a bit just to talk to me. i wasn’t and am not asking for 3 hours daily, just checking in to know what’s going on in our lives, so that we are a part of each other’s life. This could take as little as 10 minutes out of His day. i expressed my need, and He found a way to fulfill it. That’s how this works.

A submissive is important

Just because i am submissive does not mean that my Dom’s needs are above mine. In fact, our needs are equally important in any relationship i get myself into. i believe that D/s relationships work best long term when this is true. Of course, there are exceptions for short term relationships or play partners, but overall, i honestly don’t think that a monogamous relationship can last without both people’s needs being met. So, don’t feel bad to bring up a problem or fear because you feel like your problems or fears are not important. They are. Every one of those effects you, which effects the relationship, which effects your Dom.

Subjective Ideas

If you aren’t sure what your Dom or sub means, don’t ask others, as your Dom or sub !! Terms and ideas are subjective, and the Dom’s idea of what is punishable vs. what others think is punishable is going to be completely different. Realize that each D/s relationship is vastly different with different people, ideas, rules, and dynamic. This means that asking for general advice like how to get a blood stain out of sheets might work, since everyone has common ways of doing it, asking if your Dom should punish you for doing —- isn’t going to be so helpful.

Trust

Part of the problem could also be a trust problem. i can trust that if i go to Sambuddy with something i want to talk about, He isn’t going to mock me (not seriously, anyhow) and He’ll likely answer whatever questions i have very seriously. i know that i can go to Him for anything. With some couples, that trust may or may not have been established yet. That trust is vital in order to communicate, and the risk is worth the reward. If you feel like you’re having trust issues, you should sit down with your partner and talk about needing to trust that you can go to them for anything, and please don’t laugh if it’s something that might be a little ‘ridiculous.’

In the least harmful cases, little breaks in communication can create confusion. In the worse cases, it can cost the couple their relationship. Don’t let that happen to you.

Ok, it’s 1AM, i should not be awake, and i’m going to scamper off to bed. Sorry that most of this was written from a submissive’s point of view, i lack the point of view of a Dominant, but would be very happy if one would comment on how They feel about communication as well, and any other reasons why there might be a breakdown in communication or any ways in which anyone disagrees with me. Good night ! : )

-s.

Ponderings


Today it hit me that i keep coming up with excuses not to write here. i don’t like writing for so many people to read what i think about certain things, so i’ve kept this blog kinda distanced from what i’ve done or what i thought about things. So today i’m just going to ramble. If Y/you’re more interested in the academic postings, Y/you can change the page : ) humor me, i need to get into the swing of things again !

So, the Dom that is considering me is still…. Considering me. : P Same person, and i still feel like He’s the right Dom for me. When we first started talking, i do recall deep conversations to be hard for me. i usually avoided those conversations because i don’t want people to see what i think about things. i don’t like ‘rocking the boat’ or anything of that nature, and i don’t feel too comfortable letting people get close to me, because i feel like when they do, they go away. Well, over the past few years i’ve been slowly getting over that. i have more than one friend who know me extraordinarily well and of course, Sambuddy (the Dom i keep referring to. He’s probably going to keep popping up, and i’m tired of typing that long line, but want to give Him anonymity). Just because they know me well, doen’t meant i don’t freak out sometimes and push them away, it just means that they know that that’s what’s going on and either give me a bit of space or push me to explain what it is, although i think i have mostly gotten over that, too, as i have yet to do that with Sambuddy.

i did get a message from someone who goes to my school on OkCupid that reminded me where i have been before. He was incredibly immature, but funny, and he seemed to feel like everything was against him, but it wasn’t his fault. He reminded me of myself so much and all i wanted to do was try to help him. Of course, i realize that that’s probably not a good thing for me to do as a friend, it’s meddling and he could become dependent, so though we’re friends, i’ve kept my distance, and from talking to him i realize how much more trusting and how much more mature i’ve gotten over the past few years.

With that maturity, i tend to think that i have everything all figured out. i don’t. i don’t know where i’ll be next summer, i don’t know who i’ll be with (i hope it’ll be Sambuddy, but who knows), i don’t know how i’m going to pay for school or even what i’m doing tomorrow. Yet i seem so sure of what i  want sexually. Sometimes i worry i’m wrong, since i’m young and things are bound to change. After all, not even 10 years ago, i loved Sailor Moon. Now i still watch it on rare occasions, but i realize it wasn’t really that great. There are other times that i’m absolutely certain that this is the path i need, that i can’t live without it, that i need to be hurt and caressed and i need the release of service. What those thoughts came down to is: i’m not sure i can or want to do 24/7, and neither is Sambuddy. i don’t know if i’ll want or need more than what He wants or needs to give me, but that’s something i guess we’d have to figure out. i know for certain that i am still a submissive. i know for certain that i want the submissive position in the relationship, and that i don’t want my submission to always be in the bedroom, but i’m not sure whether or not i want it to be all the time. Then again, thinking about it, i’ll probably be submissive all the time, but not dropping to my knees when He walks in the door or calling Him names like ‘Sir’ or anything like that. Even though, secretly, calling Him by a name like that turns me on. : P Probably best left in a scene. i still don’t have my thoughts sorted out as to how submissive i am or how much submission i would need in my day to day life, as Y/you can see…

Something i wondered about before was the statement ‘you’ll find that some of your limits at first become favorite activities,’ and i actually thought about that today as i was adding ‘begging for an orgasm’ to my fetish list on fetlife. i never thought i’d be into begging. i know that sometimes i let my pride get the better of me, and that i don’t take well to being humiliated. It seemed so close that i didn’t think i’d like it at all. Well, while on cam with Sambuddy, masturbating, He asked me to beg for my orgasm. The first thing i thought was ‘… what?’ then what followed the begging was an amazing orgasm. Thinking about it, begging was a soft limit for me. i would do it to please Him, but didn’t think i’d be into it. i was wrong. Maybe i’ll be wrong about humiliation. Not so sure about that one, but it could be.

Sambuddy and i had a one week contract last month, too. Toward the end we accidentally bumped into a hard limit. i handled it badly, He was extremely patient with me. Really, to me, that made me realize exactly how much i care about Him, that even when i feel angry, betrayed, and all sorts of bad things, i would listen to Him (to a degree. i’m not entirely logical when i’m that frenzied) and we had a conversation about it which showed me that both of us could pull off a long term relationship, and it proved that communication is extremely important. i knew that, of course, but i didn’t really know it. i also learned exactly how i handle those feelings, and it isn’t a good reaction at all. i think that being aware of it might help, if it happens again, and it probably will : (

i was also thinking about the difference between knowing and being aware. While i know that at 10PM tonight i have to log onto my MMO and help my friends win a ‘war,’ i’m not really aware of the time right now. While i know that my age means that things are going to change a lot for me over the next 10 years, i’m not really aware of those changes until something reminds me. i am, though, aware of Sambuddy’s age, and that He usually knows better than i do (nobody is infallible). Because He is older than me, He has the life experience to know the outcome of certain things, and how to handle other things. Because i’m me, i don’t really go to Him enough for advice. Anyhow, i was thinking about knowing and being aware, and how they’re sure different things. i just thought that that was an interesting thought to share…

i think i’ve written enough tonight. i think i’ll start thinking about what i’m writing next. Sorry for the long break, but i sorely needed it. i feel a lot better now.

-s.

What we think you should know


i said we here, but i meant the people on fetlife…. i have no part in this post, really, other than finding a thread i’d like to share in a group called The Comfy Chair. i’ll link at the bottom, but unless Y/you have a fet, Y/you can’t see it. So hence, why i’m compiling the ones that are serious or not repeats here : ) i’ll post screennames, too. This is what members of fet think anyone involved in BDSM should know.

-Aine- responded 29 days ago:

Don’t lose your common fucking sense. Damnit. XD

vield responded 29 days ago:

Only you know what works for you, only you can consent to things you wish to try, only you can define and set or define and release your hard limits, only you can place an accurate label on your forehead, and only you can define what that label (or any other kinky term) means to you!

And always, your mileage may vary!

lifelongcaprice responded 29 days ago:

We’re not actually that different from the ‘nillas.

tesseract responded 29 days ago:

We’re everywhere.

AchillesKW responded 29 days ago:

Authority and responsibility are mutually inclusive. Unfortunately most people don’t really believe this. Understand what is being done to you and how it is to be done safely.

Just because someone runs a good party, is chairperson of a private club or is in some other way perceived as a Community leader does not mean they know what they are doing with that whip. They should be held up to as high a standard as you would any potential play partner. Perhaps even higher.

New meat is popular with a certain kind of person in the Community.

Don’t believe your popularity when you show-up at your first events is anything but horny wolves circling an innocent sheep. You have not found a place where you are going to be far more successful finding partners, friends or lovers than you were in vanilla land.

Your short term success is the result of being a new novelty, a fresh notch on their crops and bragging rights that they were your first.

JohnWarren responded 29 days ago:

Remember that others are people not life-support systems for a whip. A BDSM relationship is a relationship first.

Don’t let your needs and desires blind you to things that would be obvious otherwise

Punishment responded 29 days ago:

Just because you can take it doesn’t mean your partner can/wants to.

Talk to your play partner:)

KnightlyDom responded 29 days ago:

Dominance and respect are NOT mutually exclusive; they’re quite the opposite.

cuddlypuma responded 29 days ago:

Hot glass looks exactly the same as cold glass.

(OK, I didn’t learn that one in a BDSM context. But it’s something that everyone should know, and COULD have applicability to BDSM situations.)

20-20Hindsight responded 29 days ago:

  • There’s always more to learn.
  • Treat people as people first, then as kinksters, potential play partners, or in a given role.
  • Just because someone is a dom/sub/whatever, does not mean they areyour dom/sub/whatever. You don’t have to bow to them, nor are they required to do the same to you.
  • A firm handshake and an intelligent well-spoken demeanor will say far more about you than how many toys you have or how much flogging you can take can.
  • If you don’t like the situation at hand, if you see something that upsets or offends you, if you don’t like to watch the way others are playing- Leave. Nobody is holding you there.
  • Style is no substitute for substance.
  • Don’t take anything too seriously, and have a sense of humor about yourself.
  • You will make mistakes, and you will see others do the same. What matters is what you learn from them and how you carry on from then.
  • Despite some appearances to the contrary, safety (both physical andemotional) are taken very seriously.
  • Listen to your gut, your instinct, the little voice in the back of your mind- if someone doesn’t feel right to you or puts you a little off, there’s often good reason for that.
  • If you aren’t sure about someone in the community, ask around about them. One person might have an axe to grind and bad-bouth them, but the opinions of ten people will give you a more accurate picture.

Daggerdom responded 29 days ago:

Sit with your back to the wall, trust no one and avoid the “community” as much as possible.

FIrst_timer responded 29 days ago:

be honest 😉

Carolyn responded 29 days ago:

Don’t confuse your love of the dynamic with love of the individual.

maruben responded 29 days ago:

Sweet words are not equal to sweet experiences and happyness.

HrolfE responded 29 days ago:

Negotiate peer-to-peer, even if what you are negtiating is a slave contract. A dominant who is insulted by this is a dominant looking to exploit you.

Negotiate inclusively. Make your agreement about the only things that are allowed to happen, and be very specific with new partners. Ambiguity breeds misunderstanding and unwanted new piercings.

SSC is a marketing gimmick. What we do has risks, the best you get is informed acceptance of those risks, so safe isn’t and one man’s sane is another’s insane. If you need a pretty acronym, stick to RACK.

Implied consent isn’t, in the eyes of the law. Sometimes, neither is informed consent.

‘s’ siders are not the only ones at risk when playing with new chums- both sides need safe calls, etc.

20-20Hindsight responded 29 days ago:

HrolfE brings up a good point. Doms/tops need to protect themselves too. There are plenty of predatory subs/bottoms out there looking to take advantage of others. It all goes both ways.

DeceivingInnocent responded 28 days ago:

Trust and Respect in all individuals involved is key.

honeywhite08 responded 28 days ago

Funny stuff happens.

lowercase_lee responded 28 days ago:

Be nice

Bad things happen, even if no one involved is bad, give everyone a break and assume good faith

You can learn so much from people on the other end of the paddle/whip/etc.

Be friends with people even if you don’t want to boink them…but, I just like being friends with people, so maybe doesn’t apply to everyone

If it doesn’t feel good…don’t do it. Some disagree with this but I think it’s a good idea when you’re just starting out. Dominants too. You don’t have to be a mean, stern, whatever. Be nice or be silly, but have fun.

Good luck to you.

Annabel_Joseph responded 28 days ago:

make sure you are enjoying whatever it is you do. 🙂

SilkRopes responded 28 days ago:

Be dubious of other’s intentions. Remember, nothing is free.

outRAGEous responded 28 days ago:

Play safe. If your potential partner doesn’t want to, run like HELL!!!

DesFIP responded 28 days ago:

Know what you want, what works for you and what doesn’t. Because if you don’t know that, how do you expect to find someone compatible?

ownedinyk responded 28 days ago:

its what ever you and yor partner agree it is, not what others tell you it is

luminous_lolita responded 27 days ago:

If you’re a sub, don’t stop being your own person- submissiveness does not nor should it ever equal being a pussy (unless that’s really your thing, then go for it). A real Master will get that. 🙂

MasterMalachi responded 27 days ago:

Take in the information you gather here and elsewhere, take in as much as you can, but don’t by any means let it define you in this context.

You are going to be who you are that doesn’t change just because you are chaining someone to your bed or getting your feet tied to your thighs.

You are who you are and if that means that as a Dom you don’t punish your sub for doing something that upsets you but handle it some other way, or as a sub you are an alpha personality who is desperate to bow to your Master but not to the corporate world, that doesn’t make you less of a Dom or a Sub Period.

There are no clearly defined rules of behavior (apart from the obvious) just guidelines.

kaedyn responded 27 days ago:

my BDSM may not be your BDSM, but that doesn’t mean we are not both right.

No, W/we don’t live in leather and carry whips all the time when doing the vacuuming. lol You wouldn’t believe how hard it is to clean the toilet in some of those outfits!

darthmiho responded 27 days ago

From a very good friend. You will screw up. Hopefully you’ll be in a position where you’ve found friends who will understand that you’re learning. A good group of friends in the scene seems to be the best thing one can have.

Echowhispers responded 26 days ago:

Dont mention to doms or guys you have no interest in being with that you and your mother are subs in the lifestyle..the sam questions and fantasies come up including the same disappointments that its just another guy wanting to fuck.

ownedinyk responded 26 days ago:

dont tie them down with out discussing it first!!!!!

MeaCulpa responded 26 days ago:

Don’t allow romanticism to get carried away with you. Many people love to role play their ultimate slave fantasy online, but that doesn’t mean what they are role playing has any standing in real life. Instead of getting caught up in looking for some white knight to fulfill an impossible role, spend time figuring out what it is in real life, in a scene that is limited and filled with real people, that will give you some of what you need. Predators target women who are in love with a fantasy, because it is easy to convince them they can play the role.

Telemachus responded 26 days ago:

If you think good advice is cheap – try talking to a lawyer.

intowhat64 responded 26 days ago:

Don’t rush into anything, sit back and watch some first, try new things at least once and whatever you do, don’t forget to use your communication skills

tiwohunter responded 26 days ago:

It’s better to be seen than heard at first. I find watching others and how they interact in a group tells me more than they ever would, both about themselves and about how others think of them.

Saffron responded 26 days ago:

There’s nothing special about good bdsm relationships that isn’t special about good vanilla relationships. We aren’t risking more or giving more or sharing more. They all take trust and respect and ying and yang and give and take and commitment. Good relatinships happen when both/all parties are giving 100%, not 50/50.

That_Damned_Panda responded 26 days ago:

  • Know who you are, what you want, and what you don’t want. Trust yourself, and if something really doesn’t feel right to you, don’t let anyone talk you into thinking that it is. They’re not you, and you’re the only one who has to live with the consequences of your decisions.
  • The only “true way” that counts is the way that is true to you.
  • Don’t take yourself, or what we do, too seriously. If something doesn’t go the way you planned it, laugh about it and try something different tomorrow.
  • Being submissive and being stupid are two entirely different things. Don’t use the former as an excuse for the latter.
  • The same ethics and morals that you would apply to personal relationships in the vanilla world are equally applicable to relationships in the kinky world.
  • Everybody you meet has their own story, and everybody has had to fight many battles to get to where they are in their lives. You don’t know their whole story, so you have no right to judge how it turned out. If their way is not your way, go your own way and let them go theirs.
  • Read every thread started by Happy Noodlegirl, because she apparently has good ideas for threads.
  • No bondage on Wednesdays. Ever. Very bad. Don’t ask why.

AchillesKW responded 26 days ago:

Don’t expect someone special to notice you if you are behaving like all the other slutty cattle. Respect yourself enough to be picky.

Noldorin_Mercy responded 26 days ago:

BDSM is neither good nor bad, and can be used to harm just as much as it can to heal. Never trust someone simply because they are kinky, and never distrust someone simply because they aren’t. We’re all people.

LayLadyLay responded 21 days ago:

Listen, talk openly, take your time, ask questions if you’re not sure about something, be kind, be generous and be willing to laugh (especially at yourself).

LadyBug5949 responded 21 days ago:

If it isn’t consensual, it isn’t BDSM–it’s abuse.

fosterchild responded 21 days ago:

Get references and check them. This safed me from getting with a liar, and who knows what else it has spared me (at the least – some BS). Often when i have brought this up the other person has just wondered off ….

Nova2001 responded 21 days ago:

“Do it again harder” is not a good safeword.

honeywhite08 responded about 2 hours ago:

Anal sodomy causes flatulence.

So all this stuff is good advice, and i really hope it helps : ) i left the links intact, because that information comes from those people– again, i don’t think Y/you can see anything on fet without a profile. Here’s the link to the thread, second page: http://fetlife.com/groups/41/group_posts/573750?page=2#responses

-s.

On the Subject of Gags


Over the past couple days, i’ve become more and more sure that one of the DOM’s i’ve been speaking to is the right one for me. Of course, i’m trying really hard to watch everything we say as from third person, but it’s so hard not to get sucked in when nearly everything He says is so… Perfect. And it’s not even like He’s trying to be perfect, because He has opened up with things that some people would consider an immediate ‘deal breaker,’ though i don’t. He just turns out to be exactly what i need out of a DOM and a life partner. Who would’a thought. Anyways, i’m going to try to keep posting… Probably not every day, because obviously i can’t do that, but every couple/few days. Just to say what i’ve been learning as of late : )

Today i decided to research gags. Apparently there are a few different reasons for them…  There’s for humiliation, which is achieved because the submissive’s speech is no longer able to be recognized. Also, it can be used to bite, when the pain is getting a little too much. This is an application i wouldn’t have considered if i hadn’t read the article. Apparently, they can also be used to teach oral sex… Or at least the ones that keep the mouth open. i’m reading through the article as i write, so i’m not sure exactly which those are yet. The only gags i know about are ball gags, to be honest. Finally, they are used to calm down the submissive. Kinda like a pacifier.

As far as types of gags (the part i’m most interested in !) there are four different types. There is, of course, the ball gag. This basically looks like a rubber ball with a string going through it, and its’ main purpose is to keep the submissive from speaking. This is what i typically see in BDSM pictures, if there’s a gag at all. Apparently, the one that holds the mouth open is called the ring gag, and instead of a ball there’s a ring. Interesting. Bit gags replace the ball with a bar and it has straps. It’s kinda like a bridle for a horse, so it’s used in pony play fairly often. The last is an inflatable gag, which is sometimes used with a ring gag to keep it in place. Basically, it looks like a pacifier strapped onto the submissive’s head with a pump coming out. Even the inflatable part reminds me of a pacifier. You can pump the inflatable part as much as You want to fill her mouth… i think that type would be my favorite : )

THE FOLLOWING IS DIRECTLY COPY/PASTED FROM THE ARTICLE : )

Materials

Since a gags are intended to be put in the mouth, these BDSM are made of safe materials, such as rubber, plastic, latex, wood and others.

Safety tips

While using a gag, as well as any other BDSM toy you ought to follow some safety measures.

  • While using a gag, as well as any other BDSM toy you ought to follow some safety measures.
  • Never leave alone your submissive while he or she is wearing a gag and be careful about your submissive’s facial expressions and physical reactions. As soon as you see that your submissive’s eyes got wider or his lips turned blue- remove the gag urgently.
  • Agree with your submissive on a non-verbal stop sign – for instance a gesture.
  • Whatever you do your submissive must be able to bend and to turn the head – otherwise saliva won’t flow from the moth.
  • A gag must not be used if your bottom suffers from a heart of pulmonary diseases, diabetes or epilepsy.

Sorry, i couldn’t find a good way to paraphrase that into my own words. However, i would like to say here that all the information up there i got off of the link at the bottom of the page. i don’t want any credit for that research, since it’s not really my work.

The way i feel about gags: i like to always be pretty. All. The. Time. So i think it would take some getting used to, drooling like that. i would of course be self-conscious, but i’m sure my worries could be whisked away fairly easily. For some reason i had an image of a hostage in my head, a black silk scarf tied tightly into her mouth. There was no mention of any sort of gag here, so that must not be very safe.

Here’s the site i got the stuff from. As i said, a lot of credit goes to them. The only thing here that was my work are my opinions : )

http://www.bondage-guide.net/post/bdsm-toys-gags.html

-s.

The Bond of a Collar


So Yesterday, i was talking to a very good friend and He brought up collaring ceremonies, and someone’s blog that he read, which made them sound very sweet : ) In fact, now i very badly want to be collared ! i’ve been looking through collars for the past 30 minutes, just for fun. i’m not one for flashy, so i immediately ignored anything like that. In fact, until today, i didn’t realize that collars symbolizing lifetime commitment were more like jewelry than they are collars. Until today, i had always envisioned a very modest leather collar for me. A leather dog collar. i think i’m behind ! Not to mention that there are different collars for play and for every day…

The ceremony seems to be rather beautiful. Every account i find is charming, and it is a lot like a vanilla wedding, i think, vows and all. Though i would love to be tied to my Master in both the vanilla and the D/s way. After all, something seems a little awkward about my mom sitting in a seat watching her naked daughter be collared. Yeah, i think i’ll just stop thinking about that now. : (

i’m going to post a few links here that i found that maybe will help You read up on it. It’s really a very beautiful ceremony : )

Play Collars  –  http://www.slaveforlove.com/collars-c-192_234_628.html

Jewelry-type collars  –  http://www.bondagecollars.com/

Collaring Ceremony  –  http://www.thebdsmsite.org/KBMsDsubbitoescollar.htm

Further Information on the subject  –  http://www.soulshaven.f2s.com/sub_collars.php3

-s.

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