What a Girl Wants…. What a Girl Needs….


i haven’t been doing much that is productive for the past week. i’m honestly stressed out about paying for college (the state grant keeps not being posted on the school website, and i’m worried that they are going to make me call again and again until it’s too late to get the money) and haven’t been thinking about much. Last night, at 10PM, i went with my mom and my little sister to see Toy Story 3. Getting out was nice, and i feel a lot less stressed (though i have to call them again tomorrow because it’s getting a bit ridiculous), so i figured i’d write while i had something to say.

i was thinking about relationships recently, for some odd reason, and i remembered what a good friend once told me. He liked to compare true love to a candle flame. May not be huge, but steady light. i like to think of Dominance that way. i think i would have a hard time taking a Dominant seriously who is caught up in the mindset ‘I am Dominant, hear Me roar!!!’ This sounds bad to those who met me when i first learned about D/s, because i was the same way about being submissive. i still am, sometimes. At least i recognize it and tone it down now, though. i guess the type of Dominance i would like to see in my Dominant would be the type of Dominance that doesn’t have to be spoken. Whether or not He is tying me down or beating me up, i would like to feel like i am His. i guess for me that sounds like a stability that is slightly more defined in a D/s relationship than in a vanilla one.

Oh, and speaking of something that is a difference between a D/s relationship and a vanilla one: i read this thread on fetlife about someone whose husband is naturally Dominant, but she was asking whether or not to introduce him to fetlife or the lifestyle formally, even though he seemed to lean that way naturally. When i read it i was very confused. If one is getting what they need out of a relationship, why would they change things? i’m lucky because i feel like i need very little from my significant other. i’m very very low maintenance. i could never imagine having kink in the bedroom and thinking ‘gee, i wish he would identify himself as my Dominant…’ If i’m not fulfilled, i would absolutely understand talking to him about BDSM, but if i am getting what i need, then what’s the point?

i have also been thinking about how in a relationship, we have needs and wants. In certain D/s dynamics, it’s the job of the Dom to take care of the sub’s needs and not the Dom’s job to take care of the sub’s wants. i was thinking again about what i need in a relationship and if i considered it to be fair… And of course i do, but i wonder what it is other subs need from their Doms. i guess that’s just out of curiosity, though.

Tonight, i am cooking soup again, but this time adding chicken : ) i really liked it last time, and this time it’s going to be even better!!! i’m super excited. Off to the store now… Wish me luck!! : )

-s.

Trying Something New


Lately i’ve been trying to keep myself busy. This does mean less blogging, but it also means trying new things! : ) So, today, i’m making a meatloaf recipe i came across online as ‘easy’ and ‘healthy.’ Hopefully it’s both, because i’m really not a very good cook. i was trying to make a 3 minute brownie in the microwave and not only did the brownie not have enough cocoa in it, the cup i was ‘cooking’ it in melted. Bummer!! If i get it right, i’ll be super happy, though! : ) i’m hoping it’s like DDR. i simply cannot play DDR on light mode, i have to play it on heavy mode or i suck majorly at it. Video games are not real life, and i know that, but i’m hoping that i’m really great at ‘heavy mode’ cooking, even though i suck at ‘light mode.’

i’m in a very good mood today. i feel like anything i want is at my fingertips and i can do anything. If you’ve felt that before, you probably understand how good it feels. i played around with my makeup today, as well, seeing what my huge makeup box had in it. i still can’t quite identify what certain things are for. i kept going to my mom asking ‘do you know what this is?’ and she’d laugh and tell me. The biggest confusion was between blush and eyeshadow, but there were really thick pencils that i just didn’t know… She said they go around your eyes? i’ll be trying it tomorrow. i don’t know what i’m going to do with the ones that i don’t like or can’t figure out how to use, but i’ll cross that bridge when i come to it. Hey! my sister doesn’t have makeup! Maybe i’ll send it with her to school! : P That is, if she isn’t taking a bus out there… my sister is going to a really good school, which is great, but that means it’s far away from here. Not sure how that’s going to work for her, since i have needed help from my mom from time to time. Laundry next semester is going to be interesting, since i won’t be spending much time at my mom’s house, and i certainly won’t be able to use her washer once she moves far away from my school. This year coming up should be very interesting : P

On a BDSM note: i was looking at a fetlife group called Ponderings (if you’re on fet, join it, it’s a really great group) and there was a topic made by ‘the mayor’ of the group about whether or not friends in the lifestyle are closer to us than vanilla friends. i thought that was a really interesting topic but couldn’t really talk about it since i don’t hang out with lifestylers in real time, but i’m very curious about it. i don’t feel like my friendships would be much different. With me, you pretty much get what you ask for. If someone asks me about something i’m very honest about it. i don’t find myself around people who are closed-minded so it has never been a problem for me. i’m not going to be running into a lifestyle friendship talking about ‘oh, you should see these bruises on my ass!!!’ (ignoring the fact that the Dom that is considering me is far away and can’t leave those bruises on me right now) However, something like ‘i got a cute little flogger!! Look!!’ would probably be said to both vanilla and lifestyle friends. i’m wondering how Y/you feel about it, though, since it’s such an interesting topic. : ) Hoping to get some interesting replies!

In The News

The Etch-a-Sketch turned 50 years old yesterday. : )

And a mother who gave her son up for adoption didn’t get her yearly picture of him so she looked him up on facebook and ended up having sex with him.

A drunk man decides to take a crocodile for a ride and survives.

Tea Partiers decide that Obama is Hitler and put up a billboard with his picture next to Hitler’s and Lenin’s. Well, that’s great and all, but anyone with a brain is going to say ‘what in the world…’ Even i’m confused, and i’m not big on politics, but this is pretty extreme.

And today, 1,300 people in Utah have been fingered as illegal immigrants by a large group of people, who had phone numbers, social security numbers, even the due dates of the pregnant women. While i can understand why citizens would be upset about illegal immigrants, this sort of vigilante behavior is scary to me, especially when the people who sent this letter in to the newspapers have been watching the people on the list in their day to day life.

-s.

Sleepy!!


i’ve been really sleepy lately, you know why? Dehydration. And no matter how much i drink, i just end up feeling sick and it doesn’t go away. Annoying.

This reminded me about a thread i read before on fetlife about ways that submissives give service to their Doms. Things like ‘taking care of your body by eating right and exercising.’ It seemed interesting that those things were included on people’s lists, especially when i often find myself doing something dumb because i wasn’t thinking about myself, usually my focus is on something else. It might be a good idea for me to sit down and write out all the things i could do to give service to my Dom, especially since it’s likely we’ll be far away from one another. i thought that that realization might be useful to anyone reading this, but maybe it isn’t : P

As for anything else i’ve been thinking about: last night i was talking to Sambuddy about someone else i talk to and how they don’t ‘move forward’ in life. i remembered Sambuddy saying once before something about seeing in others what one most dislikes about themselves. So i was thinking about how i’m moving forward. Really, right now, i’m applying to places to work. However, other than that, i pretty much lurk fetlife, facebook, wander the house, and exercise when i remember about it. i’m going to keep thinking about the idea of ‘moving forward’ and make a list of things i want to get done by the end of this summer. i can cross off ‘get a toy reviewer position’ but now i have to add ‘ask the mailman at my school what box is mine again!’ Oh well, it’s not like i won’t be in that area in the near future anyhow, since i’m applying to work at places near there… As far as the connection here to D/s, i see it as part of a relationship… Growing and moving forward together. If one person isn’t doing their part, then the relationship probably won’t go anywhere. Why would anyone be interested in someone who doesn’t change (hopefully for the better)?

i just wanted to share those thoughts with the people who read my blog because i felt that they could be applied to BDSM and D/s relationships easily and if i overlooked them, i bet i’m not the only one who did : )

In the News

Scientists find out what gene in a mouse causes homosexuality. Yes, it’s a genetic difference. Why is this study being done, again? i feel like they’re pulling for a ‘cure’ by reading it. (http://www.aolnews.com/surge-desk/article/sexual-preference-gene-turns-female-mice-off-male-advances/19548112)

Then this retirement investment advisor got hundreds of retired federal agents involved in a ponzi scheme… (http://www.aolnews.com/crime/article/hundreds-of-fbi-dea-and-ice-agents-fall-victim-to-ponzi-scheme/19547371)

And there are mountain unicyclists who just want respect : ( (http://www.aolnews.com/weird-news/article/mountain-unicyclists-ask-wheres-the-respect/19535082)

The same-sex marriage ban was lifted by the supreme court as well!! : ) (http://www.politicsdaily.com/2010/07/08/federal-same-sex-marriage-ban-unconstitutional-judge-rules/)

And this article about a woman who died while masturbating that has a rather rude name, considering she died. (http://www.aolnews.com/weird-news/article/for-nichola-paginton-coming-then-going-one-womans-death-by-pornography/19547942)

More news about the possible HIV vaccine… i’m really excited about it : ) (http://www.aolnews.com/surge-desk/article/hiv-antibodies-experts-foresee-vaccines-treatment-and-a-long-wait/19547957)

-s.

BDSM vs. Vanilla


i posted a topic about this on fetlife, but i felt like while i was thinking about it, it might be a good idea to write down my thoughts on it. Obviously, there’s a stigma around the word ‘vanilla.’ People on fet seem to take that word and use it almost as an insult. my theory is that BDSM isn’t very far from vanilla.

When i first heard about the lifestyle, i was thinking that the relationships would be amazing and perfect and so different from vanilla. While some of the relationships are amazing and perfect, most aren’t. That’s the first similarity i saw to vanilla relationships: we’re still imperfect. Whether you’re a Dom or a sub, you’re imperfect! And thus, both sides are going to have to apologize from time to time. Taking the blame is something i didn’t see as a Dominant thing to do, when i first learned about BDSM. ‘Dominants are always right!’ i would tell myself. It wasn’t too long ago, but i did learn that as in every relationship, there are going to be mistakes, and the fact that a Dominant can humble themselves and say “you’re right and I’m sorry” makes them a good person, which in turn would make them a better Dominant, at least in my eyes!

As i wrote about before, both vanilla and BDSM relationships have to have communication as a foundation. If not, problems arise. Big problems. There’s no difference in the importance of talking to one another. This also ties into trust, which is a major component of both vanilla and BDSM relationships as well.

Tasks to be done, in both vanilla and BDSM relationships, are handled similar ways. For instance, i have a friend whose mom stays at home and does the stuff around the house, as well as taxing the kids to and from things. As far as i know, she’s vanilla. She’s pretty uptight about sexual things and she freaked out when she found birth control pills in her daughter’s room so i’m thinking she’s not kinky. Some subs stay at home and take care of the house, too. As is very common nowadays, some subs also go out and work alongside their vanilla co-workers. Some Doms chip in and help around the house, and so do some vanilla men. So, as far as jobs in the household and out, it would seem that both relationships are the same.

Rules in vanilla relationships seem to be more unspoken, whereas rules in BDSM relationships seem to be more talked about and recognized. This is a small difference i see. Not really big enough for me to be comfortable saying ‘aha!! This is the difference!!’

On both paths, you have women who submit to men, and men who submit to women. The boy i lost my virginity to basically did what i told him to do. It wasn’t me manipulating him, and it wasn’t an agreed upon ‘you take all the power,’ it just was what it was. my guess is that our case is not the only case of a vanilla relationship having a Dominant and a submissive person. my question here is ‘in a BDSM relationship is one more Dominant, or is it just more discussed?’

The biggest difference i thought of was the sex life. Those involved in BDSM have a very wide variety of kinks which, it is largely assumed, would squick a vanilla person. Vanilla is seen to be missionary style or doggy style, not much variety, very boring if it’s the only thing you do. i don’t know if i agree with that, or where the line is drawn from vanilla to BDSM as far as sex lives. It has to be drawn somewhere, right? There are just so many fetishes that there can’t be a line, really, because what’s on this list of fetishes, how is it ordered, and then dealing with the fact that while a very large percentage of women have rape fantasies, i would imagine that consensual non-consent is something that would be extremely kinky. Odd. i think, even in our sex lives, we aren’t too different.

So what do you think is the difference? Just curious about people’s opinions on the subject : )

-s.

Great Minds….


i was looking under the BDSM tag on wordpress and came across this post a few days ago. It didn’t occur to me to share until just now, so apologies on my lateness : ( i’ll post the link, i think this is an excellent post and she says everything in a way that makes it very easy to understand. i do like her blog as well, but this post in particular not only pertains to BDSM, but to the way we think of the lifestyle : )

http://thepaganandthepen.wordpress.com/2010/06/23/think-taboo-will-the-real-lifestyler-please-stand-up/

-s.

Communication


Because i think it’s amazingly important to talk about communication ! Yes, we are talking about communication. This is not my strongest point. i think, in any relationship, communication is important. In a D/s relationship, it seems like it’s really difficult for people to communicate. Out of all of the advice threads in the groups on fetlife, it seems like 7/10 of them can be answered simply by “talk to your S.O.” and these people know that but….

They get caught up in sub/Dom fever

i am willing to bet that a good part of the problem is new subs and Doms not understanding the vanilla part of a D/s relationship because they’re so obsessed with the BDSM part of it. Even in a D/s relationship, you must talk about problems. As an example, even if you’re a sub, you still have the right to say ‘i really need you to be willing to give oral sex.’ you are not less of a sub because you have needs. Every person has needs. That’s right, having needs makes you a person. Any relationship one goes into should meet their needs! Of course, needs are different from person to person. One of my needs is to be able to speak to my partner often. While this doesn’t mean every day all the time, i have a hard time not speaking to my partner for a few days in a row or more, and i found with an ex that after 2 weeks of being ignored, i no longer trusted him when he said he cared for me, and i was hurt pretty badly. i had not communicated that need with him, though. That’s where the communication comes in. A D/s relationship is still a relationship, and thus one has to communicate problems when they arise.

Bringing up problems doesn’t make one any less submissive

Being submissive doesn’t necessarily mean you’re a doormat. Some submissives like being a doormat, but there’s one minor problem with the doormat mentality, and that is that when one is a doormat, they don’t stand up for themselves. If this happens, you are not likely to have all of your needs met. When your needs aren’t met, things go wrong. People get angry and frustrated when their needs aren’t met… There’s a reason they’re needs, and not wants. The way i see it, as a submissive, it’s your job to take care of your Dom’s property: you. So, if you have a need, you should tell your Dom so that they can find a way for that need to be met. A good example is that Sambuddy is very busy lately. He hasn’t been able to talk to me much, but three days went by and i didn’t hear from Him. i knew it wasn’t His fault, but i hadn’t let Him really know about that need before, so i texted Him and asked Him to log on for a bit just to talk to me. i wasn’t and am not asking for 3 hours daily, just checking in to know what’s going on in our lives, so that we are a part of each other’s life. This could take as little as 10 minutes out of His day. i expressed my need, and He found a way to fulfill it. That’s how this works.

A submissive is important

Just because i am submissive does not mean that my Dom’s needs are above mine. In fact, our needs are equally important in any relationship i get myself into. i believe that D/s relationships work best long term when this is true. Of course, there are exceptions for short term relationships or play partners, but overall, i honestly don’t think that a monogamous relationship can last without both people’s needs being met. So, don’t feel bad to bring up a problem or fear because you feel like your problems or fears are not important. They are. Every one of those effects you, which effects the relationship, which effects your Dom.

Subjective Ideas

If you aren’t sure what your Dom or sub means, don’t ask others, as your Dom or sub !! Terms and ideas are subjective, and the Dom’s idea of what is punishable vs. what others think is punishable is going to be completely different. Realize that each D/s relationship is vastly different with different people, ideas, rules, and dynamic. This means that asking for general advice like how to get a blood stain out of sheets might work, since everyone has common ways of doing it, asking if your Dom should punish you for doing —- isn’t going to be so helpful.

Trust

Part of the problem could also be a trust problem. i can trust that if i go to Sambuddy with something i want to talk about, He isn’t going to mock me (not seriously, anyhow) and He’ll likely answer whatever questions i have very seriously. i know that i can go to Him for anything. With some couples, that trust may or may not have been established yet. That trust is vital in order to communicate, and the risk is worth the reward. If you feel like you’re having trust issues, you should sit down with your partner and talk about needing to trust that you can go to them for anything, and please don’t laugh if it’s something that might be a little ‘ridiculous.’

In the least harmful cases, little breaks in communication can create confusion. In the worse cases, it can cost the couple their relationship. Don’t let that happen to you.

Ok, it’s 1AM, i should not be awake, and i’m going to scamper off to bed. Sorry that most of this was written from a submissive’s point of view, i lack the point of view of a Dominant, but would be very happy if one would comment on how They feel about communication as well, and any other reasons why there might be a breakdown in communication or any ways in which anyone disagrees with me. Good night ! : )

-s.

Dirty Laundry


The way i was raised when i was young was that you never let anyone know any of your dirty laundry. It just isn’t done. Just like you don’t speak badly about family. Ever. Now, i didn’t grow up in the best home. my family had our problems, but this philosophy is still something that i agree with, even understanding where it came from. When i’m angry with someone, have a past with them and don’t want anything to do with them, i don’t throw up a huge sign that says terrible things about them, detailing everything that happened. i don’t usually bring up anything negative about other people, and if i do, i usually remind the person i’m speaking to that i don’t know what their motives were or what happened to make them react this way. For the most part, i am not a fan of airing out dirty laundry.

On fetlife recently, there is a couple who has been going through some troubles. Male Dominant, female submissive. she made a post about how she woke up one morning and made Him breakfast before He had to go to work. she said that He screamed at her that He didn’t want breakfast, or something to that effect. she asked if she did something wrong. No problem there, right? As far as i saw, no problem. He apologized and it was handled, untilll….

He posts about a month later. He left her, after knowing her for 2 months, alone in His home when He went away on business. He says that she whored herself out to get Him money or something similar while He was gone, and she got caught and arrested. He says He bailed her out and sent her to nanny, hoping that she would pay Him back the 5,000 dollars she allegedly owed Him.

Then, that very same day, she posts explaining that she’s the girl who cooked breakfast for her Master and He yelled at her…. And that she finally got up the courage to leave. Then people bring Him post into it and it turns into her raving saying ‘i never said i didn’t whore myself out!’ and the like. Oh god.

Today, He wrote a poem. His poem was obviously about her. It said that He offered her the best of everything, and she threw it in His face.

So, when i read all of this out on the web, all i get out of these two people is a staggering amount of immaturity. That’s right, i said staggering amount. Both wanted to smear the other, and as a result, they make themselves look dumb, to me anyhow. i believe there is something very ungraceful in posting that sort of problem on a public forum. It implies that one can’t really deal with the problem on their own, so they need to tell as many people as possible so as to hurt the other person’s reputation as much as possible. It’s silly, and i don’t buy it. Especially His ‘poor me’ act when He left someone He didn’t know in His home while He was gone.

What’s confusing me is that in fetlife, i’m seeing a lot of people airing their dirty laundry. It’s fine, because they come with questions like “He don’t like eating me out, how can i make Him like it?” and stuff like that. she wasn’t trying to hurt her Dominant, just trying to get advice and direction. But when something like the above happens with a man and a woman acting in such dramatic ways, people are seeming to eat it up. i guess it’s bugging me because i fought so hard not to call Him immature on the thread with His poem. i fought so hard not to call her immature in her post. Meanwhile, people on both sides are saying “honey, i’m so sorry this is happening to you, here’s a shoulder to cry on.” But i don’t think they see the attention-seeking drama-creating going on, maybe they just see a sad story.

Sorry for the rant. i’m just annoyed about this in particular right now because i thought it was particularly dumb, and i’ve noticed the people drawn in to it, and for some reason, it bugged me that they were being consoled when they seem to be begging for attention, good or bad. Kinda like a little kid that’s throwing things to get mommy’s attention, then mommy turns around and hugs the kid, apologizing for ignoring him and promising to be a better mommy. Now, every time that kid wants attention, he’s going to throw things around. i feel like it’s a similar idea, and we’re feeding the drama by commenting on it.

-s.

An assignment


During the week that i was in a contract with Sambuddy, He occasionally asked me to write Him erotic stories. Usually this was so He would have an idea of what my fantasy was about a certain subject or the like. i think i asked if He would mind if i posted them on my blog, but then i didn’t, since i don’t feel like my writing is that great. However, i’ll post my favorite one anyhow, and maybe another later.

—————————————————–

Early one Saturday morning, as agreed, I changed His computer’s password. He was not to know what this password was, but was instead supposed to get it from me later on that day. The day started like any other, I brought Him His coffee in bed and lay next to Him while He drank it. We spent the day running errands and taking care of things outside the apartment, and when we returned, He ordered me to take off my clothes. I slid off my jeans, t shirt, and socks, standing naked before Him.

His eyes drink me in; making me wonder what’s going through His mind. He then calmly asks me “what’s the password to My computer?”

“I don’t know.” I reply softly, bowing my head.

“Come with Me” He orders, walking toward the bed. There are ropes that are running under the bed, and He instructs me to lie down.

I lay on my back on the bed and He told me to turn over. I’m confused, but I turn onto my stomach and He ties me spread eagle style, but He is very rough with me, almost as if He’s angry. He can’t be angry, right? He then takes a cloth blindfold and holds it where I can see it.

“What’s the password to My computer?”

“I really don’t know.” He ties the blindfold around my eyes, effectively blocking out all light.

“If you persist in hiding the information, I’m going to have to take it from you, you know…” He growls. I wince, wondering if something is going to happen. I can imagine the sting of the flogger now, on my unsuspecting ass.

Instead I feel His hand, caressing my ass. This confuses me, after all, isn’t He angry? Then, suddenly, His hand slaps my ass hard. I squeak involuntarily, tensing my ass under His hand. “What’s the password to My computer?” His voice is deadly calm. Too calm. I shake my head, not wanting to answer verbally. Again His hand comes down on my ass, two times this time. The smacks ring in my ears afterward, my breathing coming faster now as I try to ignore the sting that He’s not bothering to rub away. “The password?”

Suddenly, a thought comes to my mind “meowmix1234” I say

I hear Him walk over to His computer and open it up. I hear the brief tap of His fingers on the keyboard, then I hear His deep sexy laugh “oh, so that’s how you want to play?” He had discovered that I had lied to Him.

I hear Him opening the plastic bin we keep the toys in. my mind races, wondering what it is He could be retrieving, then suddenly I feel a sharp pain on my ass. I cry out, struggling a bit against the restraints. He had taken out the cane, and I was not too happy about that. I ask myself what I thought He would do, and find that I really just didn’t think about the consequences, even though I knew there would be some. He smacks my ass 5 more times, with only brief pauses in between. I bite my tongue and try not to cry out too much, my hands balled up into fists. When He’s done, I feel His hand caress my ass, rubbing away the soreness.

“you know, if you just tell me what the password is, this could all be over…” He coos at me

“No.” I say softly

His hand moves away from my ass, leaving a warm sensation behind. I brace myself for the next blow, but it doesn’t come. As I’m waiting, I listen carefully for movement, and He’s walking across the room. He’s opening up His bedside drawer. There’s the sound of cloth and something hard. Plastic or metal, all I know is it’s hard because I can hear the scrape across the bottom of the drawer. I can hear Him running that thing against the cloth. I tense up. It’s probably a knife.

“you should consider telling me what the password is. It would be much better for you.”

I don’t even respond, trying to relax as much as I can. I hear Him stop moving. He’s probably staring at me. Why is He staring at me? Shuffling. He’s coming over here. Setting the cloth on the bedside table. Then I feel the cold edge of the knife just between my neck and shoulder very gently against my skin. I can hear His even breath as He drags the knife across my shoulder and then onto my back. I try to keep completely still, forcing myself to breathe in an even rhythm, even though my breaths want to come in scared gasps, making my body shudder under His knife. I tense my hands into fists, digging my nails into my palms to distract from the feel of the knife against my skin. Then the knife is lifted from my back, and I can’t feel any marks. Is it because the knife was so sharp or because none are there? Even though I know He’d never hurt me, I worry anyhow.

I hear Him walk across the room, replacing the fabric and the knife in His bedside table. “I can bring you more than just fear and pain you know….” I feel His hand on the small of my back, travelling over my ass and upper thighs. It runs between my thighs and He stops just next to my pussy “I can bring you enormous amounts of pleasure as well, if you give me the password.”

I fight the urge to give it to Him, knowing that I’ll never see what else He had planned if I give up so soon. I shake my head and He moves His hand closer to my pussy, rubbing my clit gently with just one finger in a circular motion “I’ll let you cum if you tell me…” He moves faster, forcing me to moan softly, my hips bucking against His hand. He doesn’t stop, either, just keeps silently bringing me pleasure until I’m about to cum, then His hand moves away from my pussy, leaving me wanting more. I hear His belt being unbuckled and His pants being pulled off, as well as His boxers. Next thing I know, His hand is running through my hair, grabbing just enough to twist in His hand, pulling my head to His cock and forcing it into my mouth. He face fucks me for a while whilst I use my tongue to pleasure Him. I know that’s not what a captive would do, normally, but I can’t help but want Him to feel pleasure when He wants to. After all, I still love Him. He tells me how much of a whore I am, and how I’m desperate for cum and that I’m a dirty little slut. Then He cums without warning, burying His cock to the hilt in my mouth and shooting His cum directly into my throat. I swallow quickly, trying not to let a drop of cum fall from my lips. I eagerly lick His cock after He has cum, until He removes His cock from my mouth and releases my hair.

“What’s the password to My computer?” He says this firmly, His hand again on the inside of my thigh, tracing intricate patterns.

“I don’t know.” I’m firm this time, pressing my pussy toward His hand. Daring Him to do His worst.

He slides one finger into me, pressing it against my g spot and rubbing firmly. He knows it’s hard for me to cum this way, it’s just so much pleasure and buildup that I’ll be desperate to cum. He places His other hand on my lower stomach from below, pressing my g spot toward Him. I can’t help but groan, my hips trying to pull away from His hands, my pussy now aching to cum.

“you should tell me what the password is and I’ll let you cum…” He croons to me

After another 10 minutes or so, I break, my body shaking with pleasure but unable to cum “chimera69” I groan

He leaves me for a moment, and I can hear Him tap out the password I had provided Him. Then I hear Him walk toward me “good girl.”

His finger returns to my g spot, but His other hand rubs my clit, instantly bringing me almost to orgasm. I hold back as long as I can, wanting to feel the pleasure for longer, but when He growls “cum, slut” I can’t help but cum hard, my body shaking badly as I cry out with pleasure. I can hear Him laugh softly and I desperately want to see His smile as I slowly start to come down from my orgasm ‘high.’

He carefully unties me, then slowly removes the blindfold, careful with the light. I lay down, whispering “thank You” to Him as He slides into bed next to me. He wraps His arms around me and kisses my forehead softly “I love you, baby girl”

“I love You, too” I reply, rubbing my face against His chest “… I’m tired.”

———————————————–

While it’s not great, it’s not the worst thing i’ve ever written. This is, obviously, my interrogation fantasy. Of course, it might not go that way in reality, but that’s part of the fun, right? : )

-s.

An interesting flash game


i was hopping around from thread to thread in fetlife when i saw a link to a game that the poster said had D/s in it. Normally, i have zero interest in flash games, that’s my little sister’s thing, but this piqued my curiosity.

You start out with just text on the screen asking if one is a man or a woman, with ominous music in the background, then there’s a little black blob-creature that you move through the world as. It’s a black and white game, by the way, assuming you follow the orders the person gives you. If you don’t, you get the bad ending, and throughout the course of the game it just gets harder and harder to play, with colored blocks making the obstacles pretty much invisible to me. The good ending makes the world an easy place to move through, and it actually makes it an easier game to play.

What i found interesting about this game, and why i’m writing about it, is what emotions it brought out of me. The first time i played through, i was very confused, and ended up fudging up one of my orders, just to see what the computer would do. Then i felt bad, when it responded to what i did. Consequently, a few colored blocks appeared here and there, but it wasn’t particularly bad and i could get through it relatively easily. At the end, i was very happy to ‘meet’ this Master.

The second run, i purposefully did everything wrong, and the entire time i felt bad for the computer. At the end, the bad ending made me very very sad, and i was happy that i hadn’t left getting the bad ending for last, because i got to get the perfect ending last, to feel better. Getting the bad ending was very tough, though! The game gets uglier the more you disobey, so the entire thing was covered in colored boxes, shuffling through bright colors and distracting me, and i could barely figure out what was a trap and what wasn’t, because the traps were bright red boxes, and i was having bright box overload.

When i went through for the perfect ending, the game got easier and easier as i followed more and more instructions, and i won praise. At the end, i got to ‘meet’ the computer, and i’ll let you figure out for yourself what it’s like.

Overall, i really really loved this game. It definitely had D/s aspects in it, and i definitely wanted to ‘please’ the computer, even though i knew that it was a computer. It was very odd. Here’s the link, try it out!

http://www.kongregate.com/games/AlexanderOcias/loved

Ponderings


Today it hit me that i keep coming up with excuses not to write here. i don’t like writing for so many people to read what i think about certain things, so i’ve kept this blog kinda distanced from what i’ve done or what i thought about things. So today i’m just going to ramble. If Y/you’re more interested in the academic postings, Y/you can change the page : ) humor me, i need to get into the swing of things again !

So, the Dom that is considering me is still…. Considering me. : P Same person, and i still feel like He’s the right Dom for me. When we first started talking, i do recall deep conversations to be hard for me. i usually avoided those conversations because i don’t want people to see what i think about things. i don’t like ‘rocking the boat’ or anything of that nature, and i don’t feel too comfortable letting people get close to me, because i feel like when they do, they go away. Well, over the past few years i’ve been slowly getting over that. i have more than one friend who know me extraordinarily well and of course, Sambuddy (the Dom i keep referring to. He’s probably going to keep popping up, and i’m tired of typing that long line, but want to give Him anonymity). Just because they know me well, doen’t meant i don’t freak out sometimes and push them away, it just means that they know that that’s what’s going on and either give me a bit of space or push me to explain what it is, although i think i have mostly gotten over that, too, as i have yet to do that with Sambuddy.

i did get a message from someone who goes to my school on OkCupid that reminded me where i have been before. He was incredibly immature, but funny, and he seemed to feel like everything was against him, but it wasn’t his fault. He reminded me of myself so much and all i wanted to do was try to help him. Of course, i realize that that’s probably not a good thing for me to do as a friend, it’s meddling and he could become dependent, so though we’re friends, i’ve kept my distance, and from talking to him i realize how much more trusting and how much more mature i’ve gotten over the past few years.

With that maturity, i tend to think that i have everything all figured out. i don’t. i don’t know where i’ll be next summer, i don’t know who i’ll be with (i hope it’ll be Sambuddy, but who knows), i don’t know how i’m going to pay for school or even what i’m doing tomorrow. Yet i seem so sure of what i  want sexually. Sometimes i worry i’m wrong, since i’m young and things are bound to change. After all, not even 10 years ago, i loved Sailor Moon. Now i still watch it on rare occasions, but i realize it wasn’t really that great. There are other times that i’m absolutely certain that this is the path i need, that i can’t live without it, that i need to be hurt and caressed and i need the release of service. What those thoughts came down to is: i’m not sure i can or want to do 24/7, and neither is Sambuddy. i don’t know if i’ll want or need more than what He wants or needs to give me, but that’s something i guess we’d have to figure out. i know for certain that i am still a submissive. i know for certain that i want the submissive position in the relationship, and that i don’t want my submission to always be in the bedroom, but i’m not sure whether or not i want it to be all the time. Then again, thinking about it, i’ll probably be submissive all the time, but not dropping to my knees when He walks in the door or calling Him names like ‘Sir’ or anything like that. Even though, secretly, calling Him by a name like that turns me on. : P Probably best left in a scene. i still don’t have my thoughts sorted out as to how submissive i am or how much submission i would need in my day to day life, as Y/you can see…

Something i wondered about before was the statement ‘you’ll find that some of your limits at first become favorite activities,’ and i actually thought about that today as i was adding ‘begging for an orgasm’ to my fetish list on fetlife. i never thought i’d be into begging. i know that sometimes i let my pride get the better of me, and that i don’t take well to being humiliated. It seemed so close that i didn’t think i’d like it at all. Well, while on cam with Sambuddy, masturbating, He asked me to beg for my orgasm. The first thing i thought was ‘… what?’ then what followed the begging was an amazing orgasm. Thinking about it, begging was a soft limit for me. i would do it to please Him, but didn’t think i’d be into it. i was wrong. Maybe i’ll be wrong about humiliation. Not so sure about that one, but it could be.

Sambuddy and i had a one week contract last month, too. Toward the end we accidentally bumped into a hard limit. i handled it badly, He was extremely patient with me. Really, to me, that made me realize exactly how much i care about Him, that even when i feel angry, betrayed, and all sorts of bad things, i would listen to Him (to a degree. i’m not entirely logical when i’m that frenzied) and we had a conversation about it which showed me that both of us could pull off a long term relationship, and it proved that communication is extremely important. i knew that, of course, but i didn’t really know it. i also learned exactly how i handle those feelings, and it isn’t a good reaction at all. i think that being aware of it might help, if it happens again, and it probably will : (

i was also thinking about the difference between knowing and being aware. While i know that at 10PM tonight i have to log onto my MMO and help my friends win a ‘war,’ i’m not really aware of the time right now. While i know that my age means that things are going to change a lot for me over the next 10 years, i’m not really aware of those changes until something reminds me. i am, though, aware of Sambuddy’s age, and that He usually knows better than i do (nobody is infallible). Because He is older than me, He has the life experience to know the outcome of certain things, and how to handle other things. Because i’m me, i don’t really go to Him enough for advice. Anyhow, i was thinking about knowing and being aware, and how they’re sure different things. i just thought that that was an interesting thought to share…

i think i’ve written enough tonight. i think i’ll start thinking about what i’m writing next. Sorry for the long break, but i sorely needed it. i feel a lot better now.

-s.

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