Communication


Because i think it’s amazingly important to talk about communication ! Yes, we are talking about communication. This is not my strongest point. i think, in any relationship, communication is important. In a D/s relationship, it seems like it’s really difficult for people to communicate. Out of all of the advice threads in the groups on fetlife, it seems like 7/10 of them can be answered simply by “talk to your S.O.” and these people know that but….

They get caught up in sub/Dom fever

i am willing to bet that a good part of the problem is new subs and Doms not understanding the vanilla part of a D/s relationship because they’re so obsessed with the BDSM part of it. Even in a D/s relationship, you must talk about problems. As an example, even if you’re a sub, you still have the right to say ‘i really need you to be willing to give oral sex.’ you are not less of a sub because you have needs. Every person has needs. That’s right, having needs makes you a person. Any relationship one goes into should meet their needs! Of course, needs are different from person to person. One of my needs is to be able to speak to my partner often. While this doesn’t mean every day all the time, i have a hard time not speaking to my partner for a few days in a row or more, and i found with an ex that after 2 weeks of being ignored, i no longer trusted him when he said he cared for me, and i was hurt pretty badly. i had not communicated that need with him, though. That’s where the communication comes in. A D/s relationship is still a relationship, and thus one has to communicate problems when they arise.

Bringing up problems doesn’t make one any less submissive

Being submissive doesn’t necessarily mean you’re a doormat. Some submissives like being a doormat, but there’s one minor problem with the doormat mentality, and that is that when one is a doormat, they don’t stand up for themselves. If this happens, you are not likely to have all of your needs met. When your needs aren’t met, things go wrong. People get angry and frustrated when their needs aren’t met… There’s a reason they’re needs, and not wants. The way i see it, as a submissive, it’s your job to take care of your Dom’s property: you. So, if you have a need, you should tell your Dom so that they can find a way for that need to be met. A good example is that Sambuddy is very busy lately. He hasn’t been able to talk to me much, but three days went by and i didn’t hear from Him. i knew it wasn’t His fault, but i hadn’t let Him really know about that need before, so i texted Him and asked Him to log on for a bit just to talk to me. i wasn’t and am not asking for 3 hours daily, just checking in to know what’s going on in our lives, so that we are a part of each other’s life. This could take as little as 10 minutes out of His day. i expressed my need, and He found a way to fulfill it. That’s how this works.

A submissive is important

Just because i am submissive does not mean that my Dom’s needs are above mine. In fact, our needs are equally important in any relationship i get myself into. i believe that D/s relationships work best long term when this is true. Of course, there are exceptions for short term relationships or play partners, but overall, i honestly don’t think that a monogamous relationship can last without both people’s needs being met. So, don’t feel bad to bring up a problem or fear because you feel like your problems or fears are not important. They are. Every one of those effects you, which effects the relationship, which effects your Dom.

Subjective Ideas

If you aren’t sure what your Dom or sub means, don’t ask others, as your Dom or sub !! Terms and ideas are subjective, and the Dom’s idea of what is punishable vs. what others think is punishable is going to be completely different. Realize that each D/s relationship is vastly different with different people, ideas, rules, and dynamic. This means that asking for general advice like how to get a blood stain out of sheets might work, since everyone has common ways of doing it, asking if your Dom should punish you for doing —- isn’t going to be so helpful.

Trust

Part of the problem could also be a trust problem. i can trust that if i go to Sambuddy with something i want to talk about, He isn’t going to mock me (not seriously, anyhow) and He’ll likely answer whatever questions i have very seriously. i know that i can go to Him for anything. With some couples, that trust may or may not have been established yet. That trust is vital in order to communicate, and the risk is worth the reward. If you feel like you’re having trust issues, you should sit down with your partner and talk about needing to trust that you can go to them for anything, and please don’t laugh if it’s something that might be a little ‘ridiculous.’

In the least harmful cases, little breaks in communication can create confusion. In the worse cases, it can cost the couple their relationship. Don’t let that happen to you.

Ok, it’s 1AM, i should not be awake, and i’m going to scamper off to bed. Sorry that most of this was written from a submissive’s point of view, i lack the point of view of a Dominant, but would be very happy if one would comment on how They feel about communication as well, and any other reasons why there might be a breakdown in communication or any ways in which anyone disagrees with me.¬†Good night ! : )

-s.

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