Friendzone’d


Something i find useful lately is ‘friendzone,’ which is what i affectionately call my process of letting someone know that i’m not interested in them. Most of the time, it’s because a Dom has come on too strong and too Dominant when They first message me. The thing is– i’m looking for someone i can spend my life with, and i’m not looking for someone who is only a Dom. i want someone who can be a Dom, a friend, a confidant, and a father. Someone who can fulfill some of my BDSM desires (the more the better) and all of my vanilla desires. Frankly, i don’t see myself with someone who doesn’t cover both parts of me, my BDSM and vanilla side.

As in my last post, i actually had seen some of those red flags in a couple of the Doms i’ve encountered (luckily i had already friendzone’d them, so i wasn’t concerned). This made me realize that those type of people are a lot more common than it seems. That’s a little concerning to me, especially considering how many new subs there are out there– if You’re one of them, please be super careful (just like one of the nice Doms i speak to keeps saying to me). There was even one person who came across as a nice, normal guy. Then– Bam !! He whipped out a crazy fantasy that raised 5 or 6 red flags.

Thankfully, due to the friendzone, we’re on the same page now– just friends. He’s a nice friend, if a little sexually pushy, but if i keep my wits about me i can fend off that sort of pushiness. It’s just getting easier to friendzone people now. As i said yesterday, once every two days at LEAST i get another interested Dom, and so far they haven’t met my standards. The Dom i’m so very interested in was talking to me yesterday when i realized that the only reason He wasn’t friendzone’d immediately was because he used the word ‘jive’ in his initial message, and He took the time to write a thoughtful message.

Some of the things that make me friendzone a prospective Dom:

-Chat speak: There is nothing that annoys me more than chat speak. There’s really no place for it in the real world, and i’m looking for a relationship that will one day reach the real world. Sorry.

-Instant Domination: ‘I demand that you kneel at My feet and suck my cock.’ Oh, really now ? The only thing that turns me off more than this is this in chat speak. ‘i dmnd tht u neel at my feet n sck my dck.’ i sure hope you’re laughing, too !! i’ve gotten both. My advice: quit that. Be a person.

-Instant Sexual Questions: i don’t know why this bugs me, usually i’m very open about anything sexual. i guess it’s because They don’t know this, and just think that because they ask me, i’m going to go into excruciating detail. Sorry. Not gonna happen. i will absolutely tell you something if it relates to a conversation ! If it IS the conversation, i’m afraid i have other things to do.

-Pushyness: It’s hard enough being a new submissive to the lifestyle AND being 18. Please stop pushing me to commit to You. It just turns me off to You. No real Dom would push a submissive into a relationship when she isn’t sure about Him. It’s dangerous and dumb. Patience is a virtue.

-Instant Familiarity: This is something that probably has to do with the sexual questions too. If You don’t know me, please don’t call me babe. i cannot say this too many time. Do. Not. Call. me. Pet names. Save that for the sub that You’re sure is interested in You.

i think those are the big instant friendzone red flags. Here’s how to avoid the instant friendzone (for me, anyhow, not sure if any other subs do this).

-Be Personable: Type like You speak. That’s the best advice i could give You. Yes, be confident, but not cocky. Be someone a sub would want to know more about, without playing all mysterious. That’s just silly.

-Be Patient: If a sub isn’t ready to submit to You, give him/her time. You don’t want a relationship without trust, and it’s a good thing they’re waiting until they’re ready.

-Be Open: If You’re asked a question, within reason, answer. i have asked Doms questions before, only to be told that i couldn’t know this. That’s pretty much an instant friendzone for me. If You can’t be open with me when i’m considering You for a position of power over me, then i’m not sure when. i sure as hell am not going into a relationship with someone who won’t answer a question.

That’s all i can say about my process of going through Doms. It’s not that complex, for me it’s just common sense. i hope that helps subs who need a process of their own, instead of chasing down every Dom to try to get to know Him/Her. : ) Sorry for the rant !!

-s.

Advertisements

Advice for submissives, by submissives


So i was snooping around the net yesterday, like i always do, and i found a site which linked me to a site which linked me to a site. The final outcome was discovering a treasure trove of articles to respond to and write about. It’s not new material, by any means, but it’s still relevant. The part i first focused on was the advice parts of the essays. Due to the fact that i’m trying to be careful while falling head-over-heels for a certain Dom, i’m reading about this stuff a little late, but better late than never. And also, it’ll help me help others, maybe !

One of the biggest warning signs i see in the articles i’m looking at is isolation. Doms use isolation to teach you only Their way. And to be honest, there might be a good guy who would use this technique, i’m not familiar with that though. Every single Dom i’ve spoken to has encouraged reading stuff online. i think this is probably the best way to protect yourself from a harmful Dom– know what He is supposed to be doing and what you are supposed to be doing. Never ever depend on someone else to ensure your safety before you know them well enough. i’ve researched both Doms and subs, so that i know both roles, and know the rules. If my Dom forgets a safe word, you bet i’ll remember. Doms are people too, sometimes the intention isn’t malicious, but BDSM is still dangerous. Be prepared. Preparation was also mentioned : )

Another thing to remember about BDSM, and also life, is to never take one person’s word for it. When you go out to research, and the subject is something that could be debated or you could see two people saying different things, you should probably go see everything that’s being said ! When i was looking into what the role of the submissive was– i did not take the word of just one website, nor did i look exclusively at the submissive websites. you can get information from various websites, books, and there are most certainly meetings for people interested in BDSM in your area (if they meet at a church, it’s probably not the type of BDSM meeting you’re looking for).

If you don’t trust the person you’re considering submitting to, don’t do it !! The main part of a D/s relationship is trust, and if you don’t trust Them, They should be made aware and should slow down. No good Dom would tell you that you’re less of a submissive because you won’t go into a relationship without trust ! If They do, walk away, because They do not know what They are doing, at the least. At the most, They are trying to hurt you.

This leads into patience. The big thing about new subs that everyone warns about is rushing into things. This probably doesn’t always turn out badly, but the articles i look at both say that it usually doesn’t turn out well. you want to take your time getting to know a prospective Dom, and one of the articles states that you should even avoid getting a Dom right away. It suggests not getting too heavily involved with anyone in the lifestyle, in fact. While i do believe that for some that might be a good idea, i think for others it might be ok. Then again, i’m pretty new to the lifestyle : )

If your Master is belittling you, get out. No Dom should want to hurt his sub, for any reason. The Dom sees the sub as His own, and would you want to hurt your possessions ? Yes, i’m aware that sounds a lot like slavery… Sometimes it is : ) and some people are into that. As in any relationship, belittlement is a red flag. If your Dom does this to you, i would recommend leaving : (

One of the articles mentions being overwhelmed by interest, as a female sub. This, i can attest to being true. Over the past couple of weeks, i have met probably 20 Doms looking for subs. Maybe more. And even today, a new one approached me. Usually it’s one every two days. Hopefully someday it slows down. This means that as a new sub, you have to be very mindful of what you want. When i mention the fact that i want a monogamous relationship, it put a few of them comfortably in the friendzone. i love the friendzone. If someone is Dominant before you even know them, friendzone. Real Doms know that you can’t expect a submissive to submit to you when you first meet them. It’s just not done that way. Be very careful whom you give your email, and my advice would be to make a new email if you’re going to give one out at all. Something yahoo-related, so you have a messenger name too. Here’s why: i gave out an old email, one i didn’t think i had connected to anything. Turns out, i had it listed somewhere on facebook… A couple people found my facebook, thank god they were nice enough not to try to add me or anything !! i learned my lesson and now have a yahoo account i’ll hand out if i have to. Much safer. i think i might’ve used it to sign up to beastforums though……

Another good thing to beware of is being scared of your Dom. If you don’t want to speak to Him because you’re afraid He’ll get mad, chances are He’s not the right Dom for you !! D/s needs to be something very dependent on communication. If you cannot communicate, in very extreme cases, you could die. i know i’m new to the lifestyle, and don’t know as much as some, but i know that.

Also, as in every relationship, sometimes you’ll be warned about the person from an outside source. Look into it. Sometimes people have enemies in their groups, it happens. i’m of the opinion that if you go through life with no enemies you’re probably not doing it right. Consider the fact that someone warning you might be one of theirs. Also consider the fact that they could honestly be right. Talk to people who know that Dom and see for yourself.

Another good tip is to talk to other submissives. Make friends, share experiences, and generally get to know them. From what i’ve seen of other submissives, they’re very nice and supportive and helpful– i’m sure you could find a friend to talk to : ) a good place to start is Experience Project or even here, if you’d like to talk to me as for my messenger ! i am also on Experience Project.

you should also try to explore as much as possible. Try something new, allow yourself to be pushed to your limits, play and experience BDSM. If you limit yourself, you’ll never learn anything new that turns you on. Just keep your mind open : )

i’ll link you now to the articles i used in this post– all the info was thought up by them, i just added in a little bit of my own experiences or thoughts.

http://leathernroses.com/submission/tautlineadvicesub.htm

http://leathernroses.com/submission/wisemantentipssub.htm

Scary…


As a sub, the thing i’m most worried about, after i have the right Master for me, is losing Him. Not in the conventional sense of ‘breaking up,’ but rather that He dies. i’m terrified that when i find the right person for me, some bolt of lightning will descend from the heavens, turning my Master into a pile of dust. Well, not exactly that, but i do know i have really terrible luck. As i’ve said to a prospective Master many times– if something goes right for me, something else goes wrong. It’s just the way the world works, i don’t even question it anymore. i believe the scenario i gave Him was ‘we might get to go out to a nice dinner, but then the place will catch on fire or i’ll accidentally fling a fork at the waiter.’ So it’s very possible that during the beginning of my relationship with my Master, i’ll be needy. Though i’ve read most subs are needy, i feel like it’s still a bad quality, and something that i shouldn’t be. Working on it ! Back to my worst fear, i’m so scared that the Master i love dearly will suddenly die, and i’ll be alone, needing His touch, His voice, His guidance… Everything about Him. And i don’t know how i would react to that, as a sub and as a person. Even thinking about it worries me so much, and i’ve found so many stories of subs and slaves in grieving for their Masters…. It’s probably the most terrifying part of a D/s relationship to me. i’m not scared of very many things, but i’m very scared of losing the person i give myself to. Here’s the story that prompted me to write today… Again.

http://leathernroses.com/submission/maggielosingmaster.htm

-s.

Dom Guidance


i was speaking with a very nice Dom on Experience Project today, and He felt like submissives were the ones who were having their questions answered, while Doms were not. When i look online, i do find that there are some sites about how a Dom “should” be… But i do think every one of them is flawed, as every Dom is different. i sent Him this website that i wanna share on here, because i think it’s really a great resource for people interested in being a Dom, or even a curious sub such as myself who would like to know exactly what their partner is supposed to be doing.

http://www.xeromag.com/fvbdsm.html

i especially like ‘[HUMOR] Rules of the Dungeon’ and in fact read it aloud to my vanilla roommate, who nearly died laughing. The rest of the site is extremely helpful– and in case You can’t see it due to a block in Your country, but would like to, i have it on a word document that i can email You, just comment here and we’ll work it out : )

On the Subject of Gags


Over the past couple days, i’ve become more and more sure that one of the DOM’s i’ve been speaking to is the right one for me. Of course, i’m trying really hard to watch everything we say as from third person, but it’s so hard not to get sucked in when nearly everything He says is so… Perfect. And it’s not even like He’s trying to be perfect, because He has opened up with things that some people would consider an immediate ‘deal breaker,’ though i don’t. He just turns out to be exactly what i need out of a DOM and a life partner. Who would’a thought. Anyways, i’m going to try to keep posting… Probably not every day, because obviously i can’t do that, but every couple/few days. Just to say what i’ve been learning as of late : )

Today i decided to research gags. Apparently there are a few different reasons for them…  There’s for humiliation, which is achieved because the submissive’s speech is no longer able to be recognized. Also, it can be used to bite, when the pain is getting a little too much. This is an application i wouldn’t have considered if i hadn’t read the article. Apparently, they can also be used to teach oral sex… Or at least the ones that keep the mouth open. i’m reading through the article as i write, so i’m not sure exactly which those are yet. The only gags i know about are ball gags, to be honest. Finally, they are used to calm down the submissive. Kinda like a pacifier.

As far as types of gags (the part i’m most interested in !) there are four different types. There is, of course, the ball gag. This basically looks like a rubber ball with a string going through it, and its’ main purpose is to keep the submissive from speaking. This is what i typically see in BDSM pictures, if there’s a gag at all. Apparently, the one that holds the mouth open is called the ring gag, and instead of a ball there’s a ring. Interesting. Bit gags replace the ball with a bar and it has straps. It’s kinda like a bridle for a horse, so it’s used in pony play fairly often. The last is an inflatable gag, which is sometimes used with a ring gag to keep it in place. Basically, it looks like a pacifier strapped onto the submissive’s head with a pump coming out. Even the inflatable part reminds me of a pacifier. You can pump the inflatable part as much as You want to fill her mouth… i think that type would be my favorite : )

THE FOLLOWING IS DIRECTLY COPY/PASTED FROM THE ARTICLE : )

Materials

Since a gags are intended to be put in the mouth, these BDSM are made of safe materials, such as rubber, plastic, latex, wood and others.

Safety tips

While using a gag, as well as any other BDSM toy you ought to follow some safety measures.

  • While using a gag, as well as any other BDSM toy you ought to follow some safety measures.
  • Never leave alone your submissive while he or she is wearing a gag and be careful about your submissive’s facial expressions and physical reactions. As soon as you see that your submissive’s eyes got wider or his lips turned blue- remove the gag urgently.
  • Agree with your submissive on a non-verbal stop sign – for instance a gesture.
  • Whatever you do your submissive must be able to bend and to turn the head – otherwise saliva won’t flow from the moth.
  • A gag must not be used if your bottom suffers from a heart of pulmonary diseases, diabetes or epilepsy.

Sorry, i couldn’t find a good way to paraphrase that into my own words. However, i would like to say here that all the information up there i got off of the link at the bottom of the page. i don’t want any credit for that research, since it’s not really my work.

The way i feel about gags: i like to always be pretty. All. The. Time. So i think it would take some getting used to, drooling like that. i would of course be self-conscious, but i’m sure my worries could be whisked away fairly easily. For some reason i had an image of a hostage in my head, a black silk scarf tied tightly into her mouth. There was no mention of any sort of gag here, so that must not be very safe.

Here’s the site i got the stuff from. As i said, a lot of credit goes to them. The only thing here that was my work are my opinions : )

http://www.bondage-guide.net/post/bdsm-toys-gags.html

-s.

The Lost Days


The past couple of days have been very eventful for me ! : ) i’ve been learning a lot quicker than before, not only about myself but about what i want. This is mostly because i met a very kind DOM, who has been very patient with me and has been talking to me pretty much non-stop for the past couple of days, for many hours at a time.

As He and i talked, my resolve only strengthened in what i want from my Master. He pushed me very hard to consider this, which also taught me about my mental process…. i’ve never tried to explain to anyone how i think before, but it came surprisingly easily. That explained a lot to myself, as i talked my way through my thought process– and that was important because now i know how i can respond even faster ! i wouldn’t have thought about it if i wasn’t asked, which is amazing to me. In fact, a lot of our conversation was questions– a great importance was placed on questions. i feel like that’s very important between a DOM and a sub as well… There should be an open line of communication where the two can ask each other questions and be comfortable while they do so.

On top of that, another kind DOM taught me about the Gorean Lifestyle, which of course popped up on EP as soon as i googled it, but that only taught me more. From what i read, someone who follows the Gorean Lifestyle would be most interested in a slave, which i am not. That was a valuable lesson as well, and kept me on my toes– there are so many different types of people in the BDSM lifestyle ! i could probably research forever and never know everything (good thing i have time !).

i was also looking up the types of DOM’s and submissives that were out there– there are so many ! i personally will never understand a submissive that doesn’t need their Master’s love, even once in a while, and i was very surprised to find that some Masters believe that love has no place in the lifestyle ! For me, there has to be love for there to be trust… i can’t imagine myself happy in a relationship that is so impersonal– it makes me sad just thinking about it !

Mostly, over the past couple of days i’ve been at my mom’s house, so i have a lot of time on my hands. That’s a good thing for reading ‘The Story of O,’ which i’ve been asked to read by the DOM i mentioned first. Yes, Sir, it will create a very good conversation : ) once i finish it !

-s.

‘true love’


Yesterday night, instead of going to bed like i should have, i searched the web for good D/s forums to join and possibly connect with others…. Curiosity led me to the Personals, where i saw a thread with 12 replies, while normally there are few, if any. This DOM wanted a sub to be with Him for ‘true love,’ which to him meant that she would allow Him to cut her up and would be cut Himself, and He wanted to die young with her. Something about holding his virginity so He can give ‘true love’ to the right person… Killing Himself if the person He gives His virginity to doesn’t stay with Him… The posts following that were all bumps by Him. He was completely serious, and it tested my acceptance of other people’s tastes. i am not one for blood, i do not feel that disfigurement is attractive. Yet i read that and was disgusted, when i should have just shrugged it off. It was odd, to be sure, but i think i will work harder at accepting whatever fetish people have as best i can, especially since i want my own to be respected.

i have just come home from a fairly hard work-out, and should probably be sleeping, but i wanted to share that story because i felt like it was important for me to remember, and if i should remember it, someone else might find use in me sharing : ) Sorry for the short post, but i have an early class tomorrow, and it’s almost 10:00 PM! : (

-s.

Fresh Meat


Sometimes, while i am writing about how i feel about D/s, i get messages from very pleasant DOM’s who i enjoy talking to. Today i got one from a DOM that rather scared me, more so than anything else. Within 4 days of being active on Experience Project, i had 6 DOM’s contact me. Of them, 2 were monogamous (wanting only one partner), and two were experienced DOM’s who offered to help me learn, even after i told them that what i want is different from what they want. Then there was one that was just mindlessly Dominant. It was rather odd, actually, but i felt like i did back during Freshman Year of high school… Hearing the upperclassmen say to their friends ‘Fresh Meat..’ and being self-conscious all the time.

Sometimes, it’s good for me to be self-conscious. Especially when i am speaking to a DOM. It keeps me from capitalizing the wrong things and constantly reminds me to speak as i should, as a submissive. Of course, this is directly against the grammar i learned in school (which makes it excessively hard!) but i’m working on it bit by bit. As i was speaking to one of the kind Sirs earlier today, i realized that this capitalization may in fact roll over to my schoolwork. Of course, He was thinking the same thing as He typed it to me. Imagine the whole paper littered with incorrect capitalization and lower-cases!! However, i do enjoy the simplicity of the way writing is done in the lifestyle. It seems like something very elegant, and yet conveys a point, and i can appreciate that.

As it is ungodly hot outside, and i am dying, even in shorts and a tank top, i think it is high time i enjoy a cat nap…. i will attempt to write tomorrow : )

-s.