Ponderings


Today it hit me that i keep coming up with excuses not to write here. i don’t like writing for so many people to read what i think about certain things, so i’ve kept this blog kinda distanced from what i’ve done or what i thought about things. So today i’m just going to ramble. If Y/you’re more interested in the academic postings, Y/you can change the page : ) humor me, i need to get into the swing of things again !

So, the Dom that is considering me is still…. Considering me. : P Same person, and i still feel like He’s the right Dom for me. When we first started talking, i do recall deep conversations to be hard for me. i usually avoided those conversations because i don’t want people to see what i think about things. i don’t like ‘rocking the boat’ or anything of that nature, and i don’t feel too comfortable letting people get close to me, because i feel like when they do, they go away. Well, over the past few years i’ve been slowly getting over that. i have more than one friend who know me¬†extraordinarily well and of course, Sambuddy (the Dom i keep referring to. He’s probably going to keep popping up, and i’m tired of typing that long line, but want to give Him anonymity). Just because they know me well, doen’t meant i don’t freak out sometimes and push them away, it just means that they know that that’s what’s going on and either give me a bit of space or push me to explain what it is, although i think i have mostly gotten over that, too, as i have yet to do that with Sambuddy.

i did get a message from someone who goes to my school on OkCupid that reminded me where i have been before. He was incredibly immature, but funny, and he seemed to feel like everything was against him, but it wasn’t his fault. He reminded me of myself so much and all i wanted to do was try to help him. Of course, i realize that that’s probably not a good thing for me to do as a friend, it’s meddling and he could become dependent, so though we’re friends, i’ve kept my distance, and from talking to him i realize how much more trusting and how much more mature i’ve gotten over the past few years.

With that maturity, i tend to think that i have everything all figured out. i don’t. i don’t know where i’ll be next summer, i don’t know who i’ll be with (i hope it’ll be Sambuddy, but who knows), i don’t know how i’m going to pay for school or even what i’m doing tomorrow. Yet i seem so sure of what i ¬†want sexually. Sometimes i worry i’m wrong, since i’m young and things are bound to change. After all, not even 10 years ago, i loved Sailor Moon. Now i still watch it on rare occasions, but i realize it wasn’t really that great. There are other times that i’m absolutely certain that this is the path i need, that i can’t live without it, that i need to be hurt and caressed and i need the release of service. What those thoughts came down to is: i’m not sure i can or want to do 24/7, and neither is Sambuddy. i don’t know if i’ll want or need more than what He wants or needs to give me, but that’s something i guess we’d have to figure out. i know for certain that i am still a submissive. i know for certain that i want the submissive position in the relationship, and that i don’t want my submission to always be in the bedroom, but i’m not sure whether or not i want it to be all the time. Then again, thinking about it, i’ll probably be submissive all the time, but not dropping to my knees when He walks in the door or calling Him names like ‘Sir’ or anything like that. Even though, secretly, calling Him by a name like that turns me on. : P Probably best left in a scene. i still don’t have my thoughts sorted out as to how submissive i am or how much submission i would need in my day to day life, as Y/you can see…

Something i wondered about before was the statement ‘you’ll find that some of your limits at first become favorite activities,’ and i actually thought about that today as i was adding ‘begging for an orgasm’ to my fetish list on fetlife. i never thought i’d be into begging. i know that sometimes i let my pride get the better of me, and that i don’t take well to being humiliated. It seemed so close that i didn’t think i’d like it at all. Well, while on cam with Sambuddy, masturbating, He asked me to beg for my orgasm. The first thing i thought was ‘… what?’ then what followed the begging was an amazing orgasm. Thinking about it, begging was a soft limit for me. i would do it to please Him, but didn’t think i’d be into it. i was wrong. Maybe i’ll be wrong about humiliation. Not so sure about that one, but it could be.

Sambuddy and i had a one week contract last month, too. Toward the end we accidentally bumped into a hard limit. i handled it badly, He was extremely patient with me. Really, to me, that made me realize exactly how much i care about Him, that even when i feel angry, betrayed, and all sorts of bad things, i would listen to Him (to a degree. i’m not entirely logical when i’m that frenzied) and we had a conversation about it which showed me that both of us could pull off a long term relationship, and it proved that communication is extremely important. i knew that, of course, but i didn’t really know it. i also learned exactly how i handle those feelings, and it isn’t a good reaction at all. i think that being aware of it might help, if it happens again, and it probably will : (

i was also thinking about the difference between knowing and being aware. While i know that at 10PM tonight i have to log onto my MMO and help my friends win a ‘war,’ i’m not really aware of the time right now. While i know that my age means that things are going to change a lot for me over the next 10 years, i’m not really aware of those changes until something reminds me. i am, though, aware of Sambuddy’s age, and that He usually knows better than i do (nobody is infallible). Because He is older than me, He has the life experience to know the outcome of certain things, and how to handle other things. Because i’m me, i don’t really go to Him enough for advice. Anyhow, i was thinking about knowing and being aware, and how they’re sure different things. i just thought that that was an interesting thought to share…

i think i’ve written enough tonight. i think i’ll start thinking about what i’m writing next. Sorry for the long break, but i sorely needed it. i feel a lot better now.

-s.