Friendzone’d


Something i find useful lately is ‘friendzone,’ which is what i affectionately call my process of letting someone know that i’m not interested in them. Most of the time, it’s because a Dom has come on too strong and too Dominant when They first message me. The thing is– i’m looking for someone i can spend my life with, and i’m not looking for someone who is only a Dom. i want someone who can be a Dom, a friend, a confidant, and a father. Someone who can fulfill some of my BDSM desires (the more the better) and all of my vanilla desires. Frankly, i don’t see myself with someone who doesn’t cover both parts of me, my BDSM and vanilla side.

As in my last post, i actually had seen some of those red flags in a couple of the Doms i’ve encountered (luckily i had already friendzone’d them, so i wasn’t concerned). This made me realize that those type of people are a lot more common than it seems. That’s a little concerning to me, especially considering how many new subs there are out there– if You’re one of them, please be super careful (just like one of the nice Doms i speak to keeps saying to me). There was even one person who came across as a nice, normal guy. Then– Bam !! He whipped out a crazy fantasy that raised 5 or 6 red flags.

Thankfully, due to the friendzone, we’re on the same page now– just friends. He’s a nice friend, if a little sexually pushy, but if i keep my wits about me i can fend off that sort of pushiness. It’s just getting easier to friendzone people now. As i said yesterday, once every two days at LEAST i get another interested Dom, and so far they haven’t met my standards. The Dom i’m so very interested in was talking to me yesterday when i realized that the only reason He wasn’t friendzone’d immediately was because he used the word ‘jive’ in his initial message, and He took the time to write a thoughtful message.

Some of the things that make me friendzone a prospective Dom:

-Chat speak: There is nothing that annoys me more than chat speak. There’s really no place for it in the real world, and i’m looking for a relationship that will one day reach the real world. Sorry.

-Instant Domination: ‘I demand that you kneel at My feet and suck my cock.’ Oh, really now ? The only thing that turns me off more than this is this in chat speak. ‘i dmnd tht u neel at my feet n sck my dck.’ i sure hope you’re laughing, too !! i’ve gotten both. My advice: quit that. Be a person.

-Instant Sexual Questions: i don’t know why this bugs me, usually i’m very open about anything sexual. i guess it’s because They don’t know this, and just think that because they ask me, i’m going to go into excruciating detail. Sorry. Not gonna happen. i will absolutely tell you something if it relates to a conversation ! If it IS the conversation, i’m afraid i have other things to do.

-Pushyness: It’s hard enough being a new submissive to the lifestyle AND being 18. Please stop pushing me to commit to You. It just turns me off to You. No real Dom would push a submissive into a relationship when she isn’t sure about Him. It’s dangerous and dumb. Patience is a virtue.

-Instant Familiarity: This is something that probably has to do with the sexual questions too. If You don’t know me, please don’t call me babe. i cannot say this too many time. Do. Not. Call. me. Pet names. Save that for the sub that You’re sure is interested in You.

i think those are the big instant friendzone red flags. Here’s how to avoid the instant friendzone (for me, anyhow, not sure if any other subs do this).

-Be Personable: Type like You speak. That’s the best advice i could give You. Yes, be confident, but not cocky. Be someone a sub would want to know more about, without playing all mysterious. That’s just silly.

-Be Patient: If a sub isn’t ready to submit to You, give him/her time. You don’t want a relationship without trust, and it’s a good thing they’re waiting until they’re ready.

-Be Open: If You’re asked a question, within reason, answer. i have asked Doms questions before, only to be told that i couldn’t know this. That’s pretty much an instant friendzone for me. If You can’t be open with me when i’m considering You for a position of power over me, then i’m not sure when. i sure as hell am not going into a relationship with someone who won’t answer a question.

That’s all i can say about my process of going through Doms. It’s not that complex, for me it’s just common sense. i hope that helps subs who need a process of their own, instead of chasing down every Dom to try to get to know Him/Her. : ) Sorry for the rant !!

-s.

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An Interesting Article


This is an article i agree with and i like it very much. i didn’t write it, but i didn’t want to flood EP with copy/pasted stuff either. Link at the end : )

Expectations Of A Submissive

Author: Screamer © 2000

This is an updated version of a piece I wrote several years ago, after having only been involved in “the scene” for less than two years.

Since that time, I’ve changed a lot in my thinking and I’ve grown into various areas of my submission and my self-knowledge.  I thought that perhaps it was time to change this essay to go along with those remarkable changes.

Do not use this as your own, as it may not fit your needs, but perhaps use it as a guide in writing your own expectations as a submissive. Everyone’s needs are different, both Dominant and submissive.  And as I’ve learned, it’s always better to state expectations up front – or, bring them up when they change in any fluid and growing relationship.

My dearest Dominant,

This is for you.

It is about my expectations as your submissive. What I expect of you, and what I expect from myself. It’s about your role as my Dominant, and my role as your submissive. I placed my submission in your hands.  It is a very strong part of who I am, and what I believe and feel.  It IS me, and this is what I expect from this relationship, to be able to be at my fullest potential.

I expect to bend to your will. I expect to serve you for your pleasure, which brings me pleasure in return.  I expect that if I should fail to obey you, or please you, that you will punish me in ways you see fit.

I expect you to administer pain in whatever form solely for your pleasure, should you feel this desire. However, I expect that you’ll draw a clear line between punishment and ‘play’.   I expect you to understand the level and type of pain/control/stimulation I want to feel as discussed between us, and if I’ve not expressed myself clearly or completely, I expect that you will ask for, and then receive, clarification.

I expect you to respect me as a person, and understand that my submission is not an admission of inability.

I expect to be reminded of my submission to you when you feel that I need to be reminded. I expect to have the right to remind *you* of it as well, when I feel as if I’m un-anchored in myself, and feel a need to be reigned back in.

I expect to you explore limits, sexually, emotionally and mentally, if and when you feel it’s appropriate.

I expect you to issue orders that will force me to examine and push a limit I may have, which would bring you pleasure for me to submit to. I expect you to accept that I may shudder and tremble, and perhaps even defy…. And I expect you to not stop – not give in – when I do this, unless you change your mind.

I expect to serve your pleasure in all ways. I expect you to use whatever tools you see fit, and I expect you to work with me toward complete and total submission to you. This is what I desire deep inside, and it’s what I feel that I need to feel completely whole.

I expect you to set guidelines for me as you see fit. If I should ever break a rule, or try to top from the bottom, I ask that you don’t let me get away with it, unless you find it entertaining or amusing. I expect you to understand that I need more than anything to give up that control, that it makes me feel good to do so.

I expect honest communication, rather it’s good, bad or indifferent.  I expect that this will be a relationship built on more than sex and submission – but also on mutual respect and trust.  These things are essential to any good, strong, growing relationship. I ask that you communicate with me about likes and dislikes, and intentions you may have.  I ask that I am allowed to feel the freedom to do the same with you.

I expect play time as well as work.  I expect to laugh as well as cry.  I expect you to mark me if you feel like it.  I expect you to be honest with me, if I ask to play and you don’t feel like it.

I expect you to grow and change as I do, in your own way.

I expect you to understand these expectations, and if you don’t understand them, I expect you to discuss them with me. I expect that you will accept what I’ve said, and be honest with me about your feelings about it.

In that, we will both feel free to chase the tiger’s tail.

Your screamer

Again, i didn’t write this. And as a submissive, i probably would not give my Dom the right to brand or mark up my body. This isn’t the perfect piece, but it’s very close : ) just my opinion. Here’s the link !

http://leathernroses.com/submission/subexpectations.htm


Advice for submissives, by submissives


So i was snooping around the net yesterday, like i always do, and i found a site which linked me to a site which linked me to a site. The final outcome was discovering a treasure trove of articles to respond to and write about. It’s not new material, by any means, but it’s still relevant. The part i first focused on was the advice parts of the essays. Due to the fact that i’m trying to be careful while falling head-over-heels for a certain Dom, i’m reading about this stuff a little late, but better late than never. And also, it’ll help me help others, maybe !

One of the biggest warning signs i see in the articles i’m looking at is isolation. Doms use isolation to teach you only Their way. And to be honest, there might be a good guy who would use this technique, i’m not familiar with that though. Every single Dom i’ve spoken to has encouraged reading stuff online. i think this is probably the best way to protect yourself from a harmful Dom– know what He is supposed to be doing and what you are supposed to be doing. Never ever depend on someone else to ensure your safety before you know them well enough. i’ve researched both Doms and subs, so that i know both roles, and know the rules. If my Dom forgets a safe word, you bet i’ll remember. Doms are people too, sometimes the intention isn’t malicious, but BDSM is still dangerous. Be prepared. Preparation was also mentioned : )

Another thing to remember about BDSM, and also life, is to never take one person’s word for it. When you go out to research, and the subject is something that could be debated or you could see two people saying different things, you should probably go see everything that’s being said ! When i was looking into what the role of the submissive was– i did not take the word of just one website, nor did i look exclusively at the submissive websites. you can get information from various websites, books, and there are most certainly meetings for people interested in BDSM in your area (if they meet at a church, it’s probably not the type of BDSM meeting you’re looking for).

If you don’t trust the person you’re considering submitting to, don’t do it !! The main part of a D/s relationship is trust, and if you don’t trust Them, They should be made aware and should slow down. No good Dom would tell you that you’re less of a submissive because you won’t go into a relationship without trust ! If They do, walk away, because They do not know what They are doing, at the least. At the most, They are trying to hurt you.

This leads into patience. The big thing about new subs that everyone warns about is rushing into things. This probably doesn’t always turn out badly, but the articles i look at both say that it usually doesn’t turn out well. you want to take your time getting to know a prospective Dom, and one of the articles states that you should even avoid getting a Dom right away. It suggests not getting too heavily involved with anyone in the lifestyle, in fact. While i do believe that for some that might be a good idea, i think for others it might be ok. Then again, i’m pretty new to the lifestyle : )

If your Master is belittling you, get out. No Dom should want to hurt his sub, for any reason. The Dom sees the sub as His own, and would you want to hurt your possessions ? Yes, i’m aware that sounds a lot like slavery… Sometimes it is : ) and some people are into that. As in any relationship, belittlement is a red flag. If your Dom does this to you, i would recommend leaving : (

One of the articles mentions being overwhelmed by interest, as a female sub. This, i can attest to being true. Over the past couple of weeks, i have met probably 20 Doms looking for subs. Maybe more. And even today, a new one approached me. Usually it’s one every two days. Hopefully someday it slows down. This means that as a new sub, you have to be very mindful of what you want. When i mention the fact that i want a monogamous relationship, it put a few of them comfortably in the friendzone. i love the friendzone. If someone is Dominant before you even know them, friendzone. Real Doms know that you can’t expect a submissive to submit to you when you first meet them. It’s just not done that way. Be very careful whom you give your email, and my advice would be to make a new email if you’re going to give one out at all. Something yahoo-related, so you have a messenger name too. Here’s why: i gave out an old email, one i didn’t think i had connected to anything. Turns out, i had it listed somewhere on facebook… A couple people found my facebook, thank god they were nice enough not to try to add me or anything !! i learned my lesson and now have a yahoo account i’ll hand out if i have to. Much safer. i think i might’ve used it to sign up to beastforums though……

Another good thing to beware of is being scared of your Dom. If you don’t want to speak to Him because you’re afraid He’ll get mad, chances are He’s not the right Dom for you !! D/s needs to be something very dependent on communication. If you cannot communicate, in very extreme cases, you could die. i know i’m new to the lifestyle, and don’t know as much as some, but i know that.

Also, as in every relationship, sometimes you’ll be warned about the person from an outside source. Look into it. Sometimes people have enemies in their groups, it happens. i’m of the opinion that if you go through life with no enemies you’re probably not doing it right. Consider the fact that someone warning you might be one of theirs. Also consider the fact that they could honestly be right. Talk to people who know that Dom and see for yourself.

Another good tip is to talk to other submissives. Make friends, share experiences, and generally get to know them. From what i’ve seen of other submissives, they’re very nice and supportive and helpful– i’m sure you could find a friend to talk to : ) a good place to start is Experience Project or even here, if you’d like to talk to me as for my messenger ! i am also on Experience Project.

you should also try to explore as much as possible. Try something new, allow yourself to be pushed to your limits, play and experience BDSM. If you limit yourself, you’ll never learn anything new that turns you on. Just keep your mind open : )

i’ll link you now to the articles i used in this post– all the info was thought up by them, i just added in a little bit of my own experiences or thoughts.

http://leathernroses.com/submission/tautlineadvicesub.htm

http://leathernroses.com/submission/wisemantentipssub.htm

Scary…


As a sub, the thing i’m most worried about, after i have the right Master for me, is losing Him. Not in the conventional sense of ‘breaking up,’ but rather that He dies. i’m terrified that when i find the right person for me, some bolt of lightning will descend from the heavens, turning my Master into a pile of dust. Well, not exactly that, but i do know i have really terrible luck. As i’ve said to a prospective Master many times– if something goes right for me, something else goes wrong. It’s just the way the world works, i don’t even question it anymore. i believe the scenario i gave Him was ‘we might get to go out to a nice dinner, but then the place will catch on fire or i’ll accidentally fling a fork at the waiter.’ So it’s very possible that during the beginning of my relationship with my Master, i’ll be needy. Though i’ve read most subs are needy, i feel like it’s still a bad quality, and something that i shouldn’t be. Working on it ! Back to my worst fear, i’m so scared that the Master i love dearly will suddenly die, and i’ll be alone, needing His touch, His voice, His guidance… Everything about Him. And i don’t know how i would react to that, as a sub and as a person. Even thinking about it worries me so much, and i’ve found so many stories of subs and slaves in grieving for their Masters…. It’s probably the most terrifying part of a D/s relationship to me. i’m not scared of very many things, but i’m very scared of losing the person i give myself to. Here’s the story that prompted me to write today… Again.

http://leathernroses.com/submission/maggielosingmaster.htm

-s.